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[endsinafight]

Bucky'd been fidgety throughout the debriefing with Fury, even if he hadn't moved a muscle as he listened to the mission -- another HYDRA target, smaller, on a remote island in the Pacific. Not the usual setup, which made him uneasy from the get-go. But there was something else, something nagging at him, something in Fury's tone that told him there was more to this mission than he was willing to divulge. It wasn't a surprise. Fury might not be HYDRA, but in some ways his methods were so similar that it felt like being back there anyway. He definitely believed in the need to know principle, and obviously he didn't feel like they needed to know whatever it was he was holding back. His gaze darted to Steve, wondering if he'd picked up on it, too.

But if Steve had, his expression didn't betray his thoughts.

He pressed his lips together as they were dismissed, Fury addressing him as the others agents involved in the mission filtered out of the room. "Barnes. Hang back a minute."

And there it was, he thought, meeting Steve's eyes only briefly before lingering as Fury requested. One the door was shut again, the other man turned to study him.

"You have a different mission while they're disabling all of HYDRA's operating systems and containing the operatives."

Bucky studied him just as intently, his voice flat when he responded. "Who'm I eliminating?"

If Fury was surprised by his response, he gave nothing away. "Your target is Katya Belyakov."

"Who is she?" His voice was wary.

"You sure you wanna know the details, Barnes?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"If you're asking me to murder someone, yes," Bucky said, jaw tightening.

Fury regarded him for a long moment. "Essentially, she's the of the most dangerous people in the galaxy. Mind control abilities that she's utilized to force others to commit her dirty work. She's likely being accompanied by a former SHIELD operative who turned out to be moonlighting for HYDRA, Grant Ward. I'd prefer him to remain alive. He's got a lot to answer for."

Every muscle in Bucky's body tensed at the information about Belyakov, but also the name Grant Ward, his stomach turning in recognition.

"Ah. See you're familiar with him then."

"Unfortunately," Bucky responded stiffly, struggling to maintain his composure. "I'm assuming this isn't an optional mission." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"You knew when you signed the dotted line that there's no such thing here, Barnes. Is there a problem? Or do I need to go over the fine print of your contract to refresh your memory?"

Fuck you, he thought. "No, Sir. Am I free to go?"

"You're dismissed."

--

An hour later, he was suited up in his tac gear, breathing steady and even despite the wild pounding of his heart as he boarded the quinjet with a team he didn't know or trust, and the only person on the earth he truly did.

Comments

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve perked up. “Do you think you could bring her? Are service dogs allowed at the hospital?”

Steve had been thinking for awhile about Monet as a service dog for Bucky. She didn’t have any training, but he’d seen her do the same things that he’d seen the dogs at the VH do for other vets. He’d not mentioned it to Bucky, of course, and when he realized what he said his eyes widened a fraction and he glanced at Bucky a touch guiltily.

[endsinafight]

"Oh." She smiled at that, nodding. "I think she has to be, with the ADA."

"And even if not, who's going to tell Captain America that he can't have his dog when he's trying to recover from an injury he got while trying to rid the world of evil?" Clint's voice was light and he grinned.

Bucky gave him a small, reassuring smile, but remained quiet. Truthfully the idea of having Monet there made him feel a little better, even if she wasn't actually there yet.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve relaxed a little at Bucky’s positive reaction and Wanda and Clint’s affirmations.

“Could you bring her?” he said, hopeful. “And, uh. As long as you’re coming back, could you bring a couple of burgers too?”

[endsinafight]

"No problem," Clint assured him, resting a hand on Wanda's shoulder. "We'll grab the dog and some grub." He glanced over at Bucky. "How about you? Need anything?"

Bucky shook his head. "I'm good. Thanks," he said quietly.

Wanda gave him a gentle smile and headed for the door. "We'll be back soon."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Just bring like eight burgers,” Steve said. “Please. They never feed me enough in the hospital.”

Clint laughed at him a little and waved on their way out.

Steve turned his attention to Natasha, Sam, and Bucky. The cheerful facade faded and more of the pain and seriousness shaped his expression.

“What’s the situation?” he said, a little bit grim.

[endsinafight]

Bucky met Natasha's eyes and shook his head ever-so-slightly. "The situation is you're here til tomorrow because you're injured and therefore need your rest. They gonna be bringing more pain stuff for you?" he questioned, even if he seriously doubted Steve was going to let the subject change slide. Man was nothing if not stubborn as hell.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve was in fact not going to allow the subject change, not one bit.

“That’s part of the situation, but not all of it. I said you shouldn’t debrief until I’m up. Well, I’m up. Start the debrief.”

Steve wasn’t “Captain America” serious, right now, but he was definitely in “Captain Rogers” mode. He had this itching conviction there’s been something he was missing and that it was important.

The pain wasn’t fun, but if anything, it made him more serious. His attitude in this moment was 100% Bucky’s CO.

[endsinafight]

Bucky's eyes narrowed and he folded his arms across his chest, leaning back against the window, everything about him radiating how unhappy he was at the current command. "For the first couple hours, I sat in the waiting room with the team from this morning until Sam showed up and then I sneaked into an empty room, showered, and stole a t-shirt I found in the closet so I didn't have to put my blood-soaked uniform shirt back on," he informed him without a trace of humor in his voice. "Sam let me borrow a dollar to grab something out of the vending machine," he drawled.

He shifted his gaze to the other man. "Don't let me forget to pay you back, by the way."

It was all Natasha could do not to laugh, and she wondered if this was how it was between the two of them most of the time, stubborn versus obstinate.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve shifted his glare to Sam—pure collateral damage. Sam raised his hands in a palpable “don’t look at me” move and Steve went back to glaring at Bucky.

“Start a little before that, Barnes. Why’d you take the mission from Fury? Why were you sure you had to?” he said, his voice clipped.

[endsinafight]

Natasha casually backed away, peeking out into the hall to make sure no one was around, and then shutting the door with a quiet click. Medical staff and civilians definitely didn't need to hear this particular conversation, and she had a feeling it wouldn't be too long into things that she and Sam would be exiting, to boot. But for now, she leaned against the wall beside Sam and kept silent.

"Because I signed a contract with SHIELD," Bucky responded, tone flat now, like he'd somehow managed to disconnect from the emotions that had been screwing with him since that morning.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Contract,” Steve repeated. “What did it say? Some stuff about your retirement plan and health benefits?”

Sam shifted uneasily, glancing at Natasha. Steve’s eyes flicked back to him.

“What am I missing?” he said, keeping it purposefully unclear who exactly he was talking to.

[endsinafight]

"No. There's no retirement plan. No health benefits. No paid vacations." No paid anything, Bucky thought, though he didn't voice it. He studiously avoided Steve's gaze, fixing instead onto a spot directly above his head. "I work for SHIELD until I'm too old to be an effective employee, and I don't get prosecuted for fifty years worth of assassinations, treason against the United States, and whatever other charges they would have filed against me."

Natasha pressed her lips together, then looked at Steve. "And we all get to remain in the United States," she added, even if she still doubted that could legally be revoked if Bucky violated his contract.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve’s uninjured hand snapped the side rail of his hospital bed right off, with a loud crack.

“Doesn’t sound to me like you’re working for them. Doesn’t sound all that difference than your old “job,’” Steve said. There was hard rage in his voice and his disgust was palpable in the way he spat the word “job” out.

He turned his eyes on Natasha.

“You knew about this?”

[endsinafight]

There was a biting comment on the tip of his tongue about how at least so far he hadn't been subjected to gratuitous torture at SHIELD's behest. "Didn't seem like such a bad trade off at the time," he muttered. He hadn't wanted to do it, no. But he'd learned a long time ago that sometimes you had to make some sacrifices between what you wanted and what was necessary.

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him. "Of course not. Contrary to popular belief, there's plenty that Fury doesn't tell me." There was the barest hint of hurt in her voice. She shifted her gaze back to Bucky. "I'll get my hands on a copy of your contract and see what we can figure out."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Is that why you never mentioned it to me? Because you knew it was such a good idea?” Steve said.

He glanced at Natasha, catching the hurt in her voice. “You knew about the collateral of the rest of us, though? You just added that, when he was going to elide that too. I had no fucking clue that my enjoyment of New York street hot dogs was based on the suffering of the man I love.”

[endsinafight]

Bucky's jaw tightened, shoulders hunching a little, but he remained silent.

"I knew because he just told us a couple of hours ago, Steve. And I'm going to chalk your accusations up to the fact that you're injured, and in pain." This time her voice had a sharper edge to it. "The rest of this is between the two of you, and I suggest you try and keep your voices down before going much farther." She folded her arms across her chest. "I have a plan in mind if it becomes necessary to put it into play, but right now I'm going to leave the room and see what I can find out from Fury and SHIELD."

She gave him a meaningful look before turning and heading for the door.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve was frustrated. “I wasn’t accusing you of anything—“

“Hey,” Sam said, his reasonable even tone cutting Steve right off. Sam easily ignored the glare.

“Steve, Natasha is hurt because she thinks you don’t trust her. Do you trust her?”

Steve snarled and opened his mouth, but a glare from Sam quelled him. “Yes,” he said, shortly. “I misunderstood the timeline. I didn’t get how you’d know details of this contract I’m only finding out about now. But of course, I just woke up, so that makes sense.”

There was a grudging moment where Steve worked his jaw and talked himself into continuing like he knew he had to.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said finally. “You’re one of the very few people I totally trust. Actually, the people in this room. We’re going to be able to fix this, between the four of us.”

Something of the old Captain America firmness and certainty was in his voice, at that last thing.

[endsinafight]

She glanced at him over her shoulder, giving a short nod at his apology, accepting it without hesitation. "Of course we are," she said just as firmly. "I'll be back. Try not to cause too much trouble while I'm gone." There was a hint of a smirk on her face and she gave Sam a nod before heading out of the room, and leaving the three men alone.

Bucky's gaze dropped to the floor, staring at a spot there so intently it was like he was trying to figure out how to make it open up and swallow him whole.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Sam looked at Bucky a long moment then looked at Steve.

“Okay. I’m going to go too because it seems like y’all need to work this out. I just have one thing to say, which is that Steve, you seem really angry. And it’s coming off that you’re angry at Bucky. So, just think about that. If that’s what you want to be communicating to him right now.”

Steve opened his mouth and Sam said, “ah ah ah, no. I said I had one thing to say. I said that thing! Peace. I’ll stand guard and intercept the burgers and dog.”

And then Sam left, leaving Steve and Bucky in silence. Steve just stared at Bucky, how miserable he looked, and suddenly his eyes were stinging. He roughly wiped his face with his free hand, and when then that did anything, he covered both his eyes with his palm and took a shuddering breath.

[endsinafight]

Part of him wanted to follow Sam right out the door and get out of there, but he knew he couldn't. Not without making a further mess out of things than he already had. And he'd definitely done enough of that today. "Before you say anything, I need you to know upfront that this isn't your fault." Bucky's voice was so quiet it was barely audible. To anyone else it would have been inaudible.

He drew in a shaky breath, not looking at Steve. "None of this is your fault, okay?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“I never once asked you if this was what you actually wanted, working for SHIELD,” Steve said. His voice was thick. “Not once.”

“I basically tore you away from a place you were happy and like an idiot, ignored that you were miserable. I don’t know about fault. But I know I am unforgivably blind.”

[endsinafight]

"No." At that, he did look up. "You may have been the one to initially get in touch with Fury, but I'm the one who signed on the dotted line, Steve. You got your team home where they belonged. Let's not forget they were ousted from the country because of me to begin with. I owed them all to help them get back here. And I don't regret that."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“No,” Steve said. He took his hand away from his eyes, which were red-rimmed but intent. “They made their choice because people were treating you wrong. It wasn’t because of you and you didn’t owe them. Ask any one of them and they’d say the same.”

He took a gulp of air and closed his eyes hard, just for a moment, before opening them again and meeting Bucky’s gaze. “You don’t have to earn the right to live a decent happy life. You are owed that.”

[endsinafight]

His throat tightened and for a moment he felt like he couldn't breathe. He understood what Steve was saying, and he didn't even doubt that the others would agree. "That was only part of it," he said quietly. "I wanted to come back, too, Steve. I wanted --" You. He cut himself off, shaking his head and exhaling, rubbing his right hand over his face tiredly.

"You and I both know that's not how life works." It never had been. Life didn't owe them a damn thing, even if they wanted it. In the long run it didn't matter what they wanted. It wasn't up to them.

"I'm sorry." His shoulders dropped. "I'm sorry for not telling you."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve shook his head, a harsh jerk of a motion.

“Please don’t apologize to me. Just—let me help you? Please? Let’s try to be happy. I want it for you, so badly. I want it for me. I want to try to figure that out. I don’t ever want to be party to forcing you to kill again.”

His voice was rough. He could barely look at Bucky. He felt overwhelmed with emotion, like he was drowning in it. The part of him that instantly got furious was protective, almost. Now that he’d calmed down, he was on the edge of humiliating tears.