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[endsinafight]

Bucky'd been fidgety throughout the debriefing with Fury, even if he hadn't moved a muscle as he listened to the mission -- another HYDRA target, smaller, on a remote island in the Pacific. Not the usual setup, which made him uneasy from the get-go. But there was something else, something nagging at him, something in Fury's tone that told him there was more to this mission than he was willing to divulge. It wasn't a surprise. Fury might not be HYDRA, but in some ways his methods were so similar that it felt like being back there anyway. He definitely believed in the need to know principle, and obviously he didn't feel like they needed to know whatever it was he was holding back. His gaze darted to Steve, wondering if he'd picked up on it, too.

But if Steve had, his expression didn't betray his thoughts.

He pressed his lips together as they were dismissed, Fury addressing him as the others agents involved in the mission filtered out of the room. "Barnes. Hang back a minute."

And there it was, he thought, meeting Steve's eyes only briefly before lingering as Fury requested. One the door was shut again, the other man turned to study him.

"You have a different mission while they're disabling all of HYDRA's operating systems and containing the operatives."

Bucky studied him just as intently, his voice flat when he responded. "Who'm I eliminating?"

If Fury was surprised by his response, he gave nothing away. "Your target is Katya Belyakov."

"Who is she?" His voice was wary.

"You sure you wanna know the details, Barnes?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"If you're asking me to murder someone, yes," Bucky said, jaw tightening.

Fury regarded him for a long moment. "Essentially, she's the of the most dangerous people in the galaxy. Mind control abilities that she's utilized to force others to commit her dirty work. She's likely being accompanied by a former SHIELD operative who turned out to be moonlighting for HYDRA, Grant Ward. I'd prefer him to remain alive. He's got a lot to answer for."

Every muscle in Bucky's body tensed at the information about Belyakov, but also the name Grant Ward, his stomach turning in recognition.

"Ah. See you're familiar with him then."

"Unfortunately," Bucky responded stiffly, struggling to maintain his composure. "I'm assuming this isn't an optional mission." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"You knew when you signed the dotted line that there's no such thing here, Barnes. Is there a problem? Or do I need to go over the fine print of your contract to refresh your memory?"

Fuck you, he thought. "No, Sir. Am I free to go?"

"You're dismissed."

--

An hour later, he was suited up in his tac gear, breathing steady and even despite the wild pounding of his heart as he boarded the quinjet with a team he didn't know or trust, and the only person on the earth he truly did.

Comments

[endsinafight]

Tony glanced back at him once more, trace of a smile on his mouth. "I suppose. Course if you end up leaving the country that'll make being social a bit more difficult."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

"Well, the goal is definitely to stay in New York, so that’s just more incentive," he said and sketched a half-assed salute that he knew Tony would appreciate because of how unmilitary it was.

When Tony left, Steve texted Bucky and told him both that Tony was gone and that he was down to help.

[endsinafight]

Moments later, Bucky stepped back into the room, looking just a little uncertain. When he saw Steve was truly okay, that Monet was lying peacefully beside him, he relaxed a bit. "Hey," he said hesitantly. "It really went okay, then?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

"It did," Steve confirmed. The moment he saw Bucky, he could feel his face split into a soft, relieved smile.

"God, it’s good to see you," he said. "Could you come over here?"

[endsinafight]

He exhaled slowly, letting some of the tension drain out of his shoulders as he crossed the room to Steve's bedside. He sat down beside Monet, scratching behind her ears before resting his hand against Steve's chest. "Natasha took off when I told her about your text," he explained.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“What’s she up to? Did she say?” Steve reached up and grabbed the hemline of Bucky’s shirt, gently tugging, suggesting without words that maybe Bucky could lie down again. He knew it meant Monet would have to move, but she was a sweetheart. She’d understand.

[endsinafight]

"She was going to meet with Clint and Wanda," he responded, watching Steve tug at his shirt for a moment before he drew in a breath and started to stretch out beside him. Monet huffed a little, but moved to accommodate anyway, wriggling her body to wedge between their legs, tail flicking back and forth.

Bucky closed his eyes, exhaling slowly.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve gently shifted so he could put his arm around Bucky’s shoulders, turning his head so he could smell Bucky’s hair.

“I should let you go home and sleep, I know we both need the rest and this bed is miserable. But I don’t want to let you out of my sight.”

[endsinafight]

"Well that's good because I don't intend on going anywhere," he responded, raising his eyebrows. "But I can take the recliner so we can rest better." He rested his head against Steve's, falling silent for a moment. "How is he?" His voice was nearly inaudible.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“He seemed good, honestly. Even-keeled. He didn’t even bluster about not helping us or thinking that you deserved anything bad.”

Steve hesitated, wondering if Bucky should know this—but then figuring it was best to be honest. “He said he’s ready every winter soldier file he could get his hands on. He said that nobody deserved what you got. Which should be obvious, but is a big change from last time."

[endsinafight]

He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but that wasn't it. Involuntarily, his breathing hitched in his throat, a cold chill passing over him that he just barely managed to repress. "Did he say what was in them?" God, he hoped not. As far as he knew, Steve had a copy of the most basic of his files, but he knew there was a lot more out there.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve didn’t expect that reaction—he could feel the hitch of Bucky’s breathing, and that made sense. It was a hard thing to imagine someone who tried to kill you reading about what made you so vulnerable. But the urgency with which he asked Steve about if Tony disclosed—that was a little odd.

“No,” he said, carefully. “Just that it was stuff that nobody deserved. Why?"

[endsinafight]

Monet lifted her head, tail not wagging anymore, and he still didn't know how a dog could be so damned smart to pick up on his anxiety so easily, but she reached up and put a paw on his chest.

"Just shit no one needs to read about, Steve," he responded, wondering how detailed HYDRA had been in those files. Wondering what they'd found worth including and what they'd left out. It occurred to him he'd never even considered anyone he knew reading all the gory details.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve definitely caught that Monet was trying to comfort Bucky—he was grateful for her, honestly. Between her perceptiveness and him working as hard as he could to pay close attention, it had been pretty hard for Bucky to conceal these moments and downplay them. Steve gently rubbed his fingers over Bucky’s shoulder, in little soothing circles, and took a moment to think about it.

It’s clear Bucky wasn’t entirely sure about what was in the files and he imagined that had to be scary—the idea of someone who knew him reading about him, knowing the worst moments of his life, from a distance.

“I’m sure if you wanted, I could talk to Tony and ask him what he found. I’m sure he’d help you destroy anything you wanted destroyed.”

[endsinafight]

There were so many things, so many horrible details he never wanted Steve, in particular, to hear about. It wouldn't do anything but make him feel more guilty than he already did, and worse yet, it might make him angry enough he'd do something stupid like decide to try and single-handedly eradicate HYDRA himself. It wouldn't be the first time, and Bucky didn't want that for him. For either of them. He kept his eyes closed, trying his best to take slow, deep breaths, feeling the comforting weight of Monet's body as she laid down on his chest.

He wanted those files gone. All of them. There was no question. But.

If Fury decided to have him prosecuted after his abrupt resignation, it may be the only sort of evidence that would have any shot of proving his side of things. That thought made him feel ill and he could taste bile at the back of his throat.

He also didn't think he had a right to ask Tony Stark for any favors even if there was no prosecution involved. Distantly he could hear Monet whining, but it was the sensation of her licking his chin that brought him back to the present, grimacing involuntarily. He reached up and dragged his hand down her body, letting the feel of her soft fur soothe him.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve watched Bucky struggle with his thoughts. His own heart-rate and breathing kept on creeping up, even though Steve tried to keep himself calm. He counted his breaths, his eyes studying Bucky’s face, telling himself that it was really important that he stay calm for Bucky.

He listened to Monet whine and watched her nudge him. God, this dog. He was so grateful for this dog. Especially when her little licks brought Bucky clearly back to himself, back into his body.

“We should talk to Tony,” he said. “I genuinely think he’d be happy to help and he has a lot of resources. You wouldn’t have to do it at all, I could be the go-between. Or Natasha—I could talk to Natasha, ask her to do a deeper dive for the data. Honestly it’s stuff we should have thought about before now, tracking down everything on you and locking it down.”

[endsinafight]

Monet shifted so she was more in between them again, but this time between their torsos and she gave Steve's face a lick as she sensed his stress level, as well.

"No," he said sharply, more sharply than he'd intended. He forced himself to take a deep breath, chest tightening at the sight of their dog trying to comfort Steve now, too. God he was really fucking this up even worse. "If Tony's already seen them, then it's -- it's fine." It had to be since there was no other choice. "He should hold onto them, just in case. But -- just him. Not Natasha." Bucky swallowed hard. "And not you."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve flinched, genuinely hurt at how pointedly Bucky said “not you,” but he ruthlessly pushed it down. His feelings weren’t the important things here. He gently tried to nudge Monet back to Bucky, he was the important one.

“Okay,” he said. “But do you want to talk to Tony so you can ask him to contain it, if he hasn’t already? He didn’t mention at all where he got the files, what files they were, or who might have access. I can talk to him to tell him to do that, if you don’t want to interact with him at all. I won’t ask him a single thing about them, other than their status.”

[endsinafight]

Bucky rubbed a hand over his face when Steve flinched. He hadn't meant to hurt his feelings, but he clearly had even if Steve was choosing to ignore it. He shifted, pressing his face against Steve's shoulder by way of silent apology.

"He might not hate me anymore, but it's probably best if I keep my distance." He knew how easy it could be to get triggered unexpectedly, and considering their history, he figured it wasn't the best idea to have him and Tony in the same room.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve reached up to stroke Bucky’s hair, trying to be soothing. He hadn’t expected this to be a problem, not really and not this badly, but that just made him an idiot. Of course Bucky was upset by the idea of people reading about his torture. It actually made him kind of an ass for even that moment of hurt. (He still felt it, though, this strange concern that he was too much for Bucky, wanting and asking for too much, and that Bucky just tolerated him).

“Okay, if that’s what you want,” he said. “Do you want me to talk to him again? I can ask him to get FRIDAY to give you some sort of memo about their locations and contents. Maybe you could even talk to FRIDAY directly, she has a cell-phone number.”

[endsinafight]

The gentle stroking of his hair from the only person he trusted to touch him like this was a startling contrast to the conversation at hand, but he leaned into it anyway. He needed to pull himself together. Steve was the one who was injured at the moment, not him. He should be the one comforting him, not the other way around.

"Is it weird that his robot assistant has a cell phone of her own?" He wanted desperately to change the tone of the conversation, and the conversation in general.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“It’s extraordinarily weird,” Steve said, easily. “If it makes it less weird, I’m not sure she has a literal cell phone—it’s just an easy way to dial into her system for those of us who refused to allow him to wire up every object near us with voice controls and sensors.”

Steve considered pushing further on this, but he decided against it, at least for now. He just would say one more thing.

“It might be useful for you in this instance. You could find out what you wanted to know and never have any human see it.”

[endsinafight]

"Right, because she's not an actual robot. Just wired into all the electronics." It wasn't really any less weird to think about. He drew in a slow breath and let it out quietly, pressing his lips together momentarily and then dragging his teeth over his lower one.

"Yeah. Okay. That's probably the best option."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Whatever you say to her will be something that Tony can theoretically can access, but you can usually ask her what she will keep private,” Steve said. “In the morning, I’ll give you her info. Unless you want it now?”

He wasn’t sure if Bucky could sleep with this hanging over his head. He wanted to put it off, for both their sake, but if Bucky needed it now, Steve would provide.

[endsinafight]

"No. Tomorrow's fine," he answered. He probably wasn't going to sleep tonight, too on edge from everything that had happened. He'd napped earlier for a couple hours. It was more than he got some days anyway. He didn't want to think about this particular issue anymore at the moment, if possible. And he didn't want Steve thinking about it either.