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[endsinafight]

Bucky'd been fidgety throughout the debriefing with Fury, even if he hadn't moved a muscle as he listened to the mission -- another HYDRA target, smaller, on a remote island in the Pacific. Not the usual setup, which made him uneasy from the get-go. But there was something else, something nagging at him, something in Fury's tone that told him there was more to this mission than he was willing to divulge. It wasn't a surprise. Fury might not be HYDRA, but in some ways his methods were so similar that it felt like being back there anyway. He definitely believed in the need to know principle, and obviously he didn't feel like they needed to know whatever it was he was holding back. His gaze darted to Steve, wondering if he'd picked up on it, too.

But if Steve had, his expression didn't betray his thoughts.

He pressed his lips together as they were dismissed, Fury addressing him as the others agents involved in the mission filtered out of the room. "Barnes. Hang back a minute."

And there it was, he thought, meeting Steve's eyes only briefly before lingering as Fury requested. One the door was shut again, the other man turned to study him.

"You have a different mission while they're disabling all of HYDRA's operating systems and containing the operatives."

Bucky studied him just as intently, his voice flat when he responded. "Who'm I eliminating?"

If Fury was surprised by his response, he gave nothing away. "Your target is Katya Belyakov."

"Who is she?" His voice was wary.

"You sure you wanna know the details, Barnes?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"If you're asking me to murder someone, yes," Bucky said, jaw tightening.

Fury regarded him for a long moment. "Essentially, she's the of the most dangerous people in the galaxy. Mind control abilities that she's utilized to force others to commit her dirty work. She's likely being accompanied by a former SHIELD operative who turned out to be moonlighting for HYDRA, Grant Ward. I'd prefer him to remain alive. He's got a lot to answer for."

Every muscle in Bucky's body tensed at the information about Belyakov, but also the name Grant Ward, his stomach turning in recognition.

"Ah. See you're familiar with him then."

"Unfortunately," Bucky responded stiffly, struggling to maintain his composure. "I'm assuming this isn't an optional mission." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"You knew when you signed the dotted line that there's no such thing here, Barnes. Is there a problem? Or do I need to go over the fine print of your contract to refresh your memory?"

Fuck you, he thought. "No, Sir. Am I free to go?"

"You're dismissed."

--

An hour later, he was suited up in his tac gear, breathing steady and even despite the wild pounding of his heart as he boarded the quinjet with a team he didn't know or trust, and the only person on the earth he truly did.

Comments

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve smiled and turned his hand upside down under Bucky’s palm and wrapped his fingers around Bucky’s.

“I like when you want to touch me,” Steve said. “You always can, if it’s something you want.”

[endsinafight]

He met his eyes, then dropped his gaze to their joined hands, a flash of them at a much younger age -- 9? 10? -- Steve lying still and silent in bed except for when a cough wracked his frail body, making Bucky squeeze his hand even more tightly in an attempt to simply will him to stay alive. The memory was so sudden, dizzying, that it made his head spin a little.

"I want to say the same," he said softly. He couldn't, yet. But he wanted to. But the truth was there were still times when he very much didn't want anyone to touch him, afraid he'd lash out in the middle of a nightmare or a flashback and hurt Steve unintentionally. And he'd done enough of that.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve didn’t know what Bucky was thinking about, but he could sense the depth and intensity of Bucky’s emotion. He slowly, carefully brought Bucky’s hand up to his mouth and gently kissed the back of it.

“I promise not to surprise you with touch. I want you to respond to my hands with pleasure,” he said. “And I’ll make sure they happens. I’ve gotten pretty good at telegraphing touch, right?”

[endsinafight]

His shoulders relaxed as Steve kissed the back of his hand, the action so sweet and tender and Steve. God, he loved him so much. For as much violence that could exist in a single body, it was never turned in his direction, and Steve had equal amounts of gentleness, if not more. It seemed like there was a never-ending supply of patience when it came to Bucky and considering he knew patience had never been Steve's biggest strong suit, it spoke volumes about their relationship. He shifted a little closer to him, resting his head down on Steve's shoulder.

"You've gotten really good at it," he agreed. He was just sorry that Steve had to. "Just miss when things were easier, ya know?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve ran his thumb back and forth over the side of Bucky’s hand, right to the base of his palm.

“Yeah,” he said, softly. “Makes sense. I wish I could spare you all that pain. But you know what I was thinking about earlier? How nice it was to watch you eat and know, absolutely know, that we won’t go hungry anymore. And our friends are happy for us that we’re together. Not one of them responded badly.”

He shrugged a little, with the shoulder opposite the one Bucky was leaning on. “So somethings are easier.”

[endsinafight]

Bucky was quiet, letting his eyes drift shut at the soothing touch against his skin. "Not being hungry is nice." He drew in a breath and let it out slowly. "You not having whooping cough is nice, too." Or pneumonia. Or any of the other maladies that he'd been ill with back before Rebirth. There were a lot of things that were easier, truthfully. His mind just wasn't one of them.

"I talked to T'Challa this morning. Said we were all welcome if we needed sanctuary."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Whooping cough is definitely the least sexy cough,” Steve said. “It really is a ridiculous sounding cough. If I was going to cough enticingly, I’d go for something more classic. Consumption.”

He was teasing, just being silly, but he felt the need to add. “But I’m never gonna get sick again, so you never have to worry.”

Steve wanted to stroke Bucky’s hair, but the angle wouldn’t work for it. Instead, he brought his hand back up to kiss.

“Thanks, sweetheart. I think if we have to run, we are going to be fine.”

[endsinafight]

Bucky snorted involuntarily, rolling his eyes. "It was all terrible, Rogers. I don't know where you got your information."

He nodded against him at the reassurance, though. He knew that. He did. But it was still nice to have the reminder, anyway. Yesterday had been scary enough with a serious injury involved, let alone an illness. He yawned involuntarily, keeping his eyes closed as he hummed in response.

"You make a good pillow."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Do you want a nap, sweetheart?” Steve said. “I could use one.”

They’d talk later. It wasn’t the time now, if Bucky couldn’t even keep his eyes open.

[endsinafight]

The need for sleep was definitely becoming obvious, the lack of it catching up with him. And Steve was right. He knew the blond could definitely use more rest, too. "Yeah, I think so." He wondered if it was safe for both of them to sleep, still not entirely sure what, if anything, Fury had planned for them. He doubted, though, that even Fury would be dumb enough to make the mistake of attacking them at Steve's apartment.

He moved his plate over to the nightstand, tugging the covers up and over them. "This okay?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve shifted a little, getting comfortable. He made sure to leave space under his good arm, if Bucky wanted to curl up on his chest.

“Want me to stand watch or anything? I think you need the sleep more than me.”

[endsinafight]

"No. We'll wake up if anything happens." They were both light sleepers, and had been since the war. "Besides, you need your rest, too." He scooted closer, winding his arm around Steve's torso, head moving to rest over his heart.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

"Mm," Steve said. He liked the heavy weight of Bucky on his chest. It was deeply comforting--it felt a little like without it, he had some strange risk of floating away.

"I love you," he said, warm and comfortable and well on his way to sleep.

[endsinafight]

For the first time in over twenty-four hours, Bucky felt safe enough to let his guard drop and let himself rest, ghost of a smile on his lips at Steve's soft words. He let his eyes drift shut, murmuring, "Love you," in return before he drifted into unconsciousness.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve slept easily, for several hours. The soft rhythm of Bucky's breathing was better than any lullaby and it kept him in a peaceful sleep. But unlike Bucky, he had slept okay the previous night and so he woke up first. He didn't wake with a start, just drifting up out of unconsciousness. He didn't tense or move and just blinked his eyes sleepily, dispelling grogginess from them, and smiled down at Bucky.

He had no intention of waking him. He would happily stay right here, as a pillow for the other man, and watch his peaceful face in sleep.

[endsinafight]

Bucky slept for hours in silent peace, but as most times he slept, that eventually came to abrupt end.

He was back at the facility where Katya and Ward had been, but he was too late and Steve's body was limp on the ground, blood all around him. He stood in numb horror, unable to move, unable to look away from the body even as Katya ordered him to lower his weapon. He did so without argument.

"Welcome home, Soldier," Ward said to him with a smirk, pulling out his stun baton, a particular favorite of his, he remembered distantly.

Sweat broke out across his forehead, and Bucky whimpered in his sleep, eyebrows pulling together as he started to tremble in Steve's arms.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve goes still, his smile dropping off his face. The shift in Bucky's body language was immediate and profound--Steve could tell right away he was having a nightmare. He hast the instinct to shake him, wake him up with touch--but he knows better. They were just talking about it.

Instead, he murmurs, "Sweetheart. Bucky. You're safe. You're here with me, Steve, and you're safe. I love you, Bucky. Wake up."

[endsinafight]

Katya orders him to remain still and silent as Ward advances on him with the baton, and he can't move despite his desperate need to collect Steve in his arms, maybe even to lie down and die right beside him, but Ward won't give him that luxury. There is no death for him, only pain. And it comes in a powerful wave as Ward shoves the baton against his groin, turning it on full power, a scream ripping out of him despite Katya's mind control.

Another wave of pain explodes in his head as the baton batters him in the temple and he hits the ground like a sack of potatoes. Somehow, somehow, he hears Steve's voice whispering to him and he whimpers because Steve is dead and it's his fault for not taking the order from Fury to begin with. For letting Steve take this hit for him instead.

"Steve," he whimpered, tears rolling down his face even as sleep held him captive.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve's heart rate was ramping up as he could help get but getting worked up at the horrible sight of Bucky crying in his arms, whimpering out his name.

He spoke louder, tried to put some command in his voice. "Bucky, wake up. You're safe. You're safe in my arms, Buck. I love you. Wake up."

[endsinafight]

"He's dead because of you," Fury growls, suddenly appearing in front of him. "This is why we have to decommission you, Barnes. Everything you touch turns to shit."

He shudders as Ward lands a hard kick to his ribs and he does nothing to fight back. Weapons don't fight back.

"Yeah, you just lay there, Soldier. You'll take whatever I give you, won't you?" Ward whispers, leaning down so his body is over Bucky's. "No matter how much it hurts. Just a little bitch."

"Bucky, wake up." Steve was on his feet now, standing beside Fury, blood pouring out of his head, his eyes blank, but there was no mistaking the order there. "I love you. Wake up."

He jerked suddenly, a frightened cry escaping his lips as he scrambled upright.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

In Bucky's urgent attempt to get up, he accidentally nailed Steve's injured arm. Steve was keyed up enough, adrenaline coursing through him, that he didn't make any audible reaction, just gritting his teeth hard.

"Bucky," he said, sitting up himself. He spread his hand in the universal symbol of being unarmed. "Sweetheart, you're okay. You're safe."

[endsinafight]

It took him a long moment to realize that he was in bed, not on the floor. That Katya was gone, that Ward was gone. Fury was nowhere in sight. There was no blood. His ribs didn't hurt, but there was phantom pain in his groin which made no sense. And Steve. Steve was there, not dead, awake and trying to convince him that he was safe.

He wasn't safe. Neither was Steve. Not as long as Bucky was anywhere around him. Not as long as HYDRA still existed.

He let out a shuddering breath, tasting bile at the back of his throat. He couldn't rid the image of Steve's pale, dead face out of his mind and he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, hitting the ground in a dead run for the bathroom and barely making it to the toilet before he was throwing up.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve scrambled up after him, just as fast. He followed him into the bathroom and he carefully narrated what he was doing.

"I'm behind you, Buck, moving to the side of the toilet," he said. "I'm reaching for your head to get your hair out of your face, but I'm going very slowly. If you move away in any way, imma stop, okay?"

[endsinafight]

He didn't move, other than to clutch more tightly onto the toilet bowl as he heaved up his breakfast from that morning. He felt Steve's hands gently collecting his hair and pulling it out of his face. After that there was nothing left but dry heaves that wracked his body. Now his ribs hurt. His body shook even as he lifted his hand to flush the toilet, knees stinging from how hard he'd hit the floor.

He slumped over against the wall, cold sweat drenching him from head to toe. It had been a long time since he'd had a nightmare that bad, but it had felt so damned real. It had been so close to being real. Could have so easily gone just like that.

"I'm sorry," he managed to croak out.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve was so calm he felt like he was in the middle of combat, bullets flying around his head. When Bucky slumped against the wall, Steve stood up and went to the sink, filled a glass with water, kept another one empty, grabbed a thing of mouthwash. He also dampened a washcloth.

Thus outfited, he cautiously went toward Bucky, sitting next to him and gently trying to gather him into his lap.

"You're alright, sweetheart," he said. "There's nothing to apologize for. Here's some mouthwash, if you want to take a swig. You can spit it in the toilet. And then some water to get the taste out."

He set the liquids down in front of them and very softly, very sweetly started wiping sweat off of Bucky's face.