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[endsinafight]

Bucky'd been fidgety throughout the debriefing with Fury, even if he hadn't moved a muscle as he listened to the mission -- another HYDRA target, smaller, on a remote island in the Pacific. Not the usual setup, which made him uneasy from the get-go. But there was something else, something nagging at him, something in Fury's tone that told him there was more to this mission than he was willing to divulge. It wasn't a surprise. Fury might not be HYDRA, but in some ways his methods were so similar that it felt like being back there anyway. He definitely believed in the need to know principle, and obviously he didn't feel like they needed to know whatever it was he was holding back. His gaze darted to Steve, wondering if he'd picked up on it, too.

But if Steve had, his expression didn't betray his thoughts.

He pressed his lips together as they were dismissed, Fury addressing him as the others agents involved in the mission filtered out of the room. "Barnes. Hang back a minute."

And there it was, he thought, meeting Steve's eyes only briefly before lingering as Fury requested. One the door was shut again, the other man turned to study him.

"You have a different mission while they're disabling all of HYDRA's operating systems and containing the operatives."

Bucky studied him just as intently, his voice flat when he responded. "Who'm I eliminating?"

If Fury was surprised by his response, he gave nothing away. "Your target is Katya Belyakov."

"Who is she?" His voice was wary.

"You sure you wanna know the details, Barnes?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"If you're asking me to murder someone, yes," Bucky said, jaw tightening.

Fury regarded him for a long moment. "Essentially, she's the of the most dangerous people in the galaxy. Mind control abilities that she's utilized to force others to commit her dirty work. She's likely being accompanied by a former SHIELD operative who turned out to be moonlighting for HYDRA, Grant Ward. I'd prefer him to remain alive. He's got a lot to answer for."

Every muscle in Bucky's body tensed at the information about Belyakov, but also the name Grant Ward, his stomach turning in recognition.

"Ah. See you're familiar with him then."

"Unfortunately," Bucky responded stiffly, struggling to maintain his composure. "I'm assuming this isn't an optional mission." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"You knew when you signed the dotted line that there's no such thing here, Barnes. Is there a problem? Or do I need to go over the fine print of your contract to refresh your memory?"

Fuck you, he thought. "No, Sir. Am I free to go?"

"You're dismissed."

--

An hour later, he was suited up in his tac gear, breathing steady and even despite the wild pounding of his heart as he boarded the quinjet with a team he didn't know or trust, and the only person on the earth he truly did.

Comments

[endsinafight]

He rolled his eyes at that. "You've never been dumb a day in your life, Rogers." He gazed back at him, his own expression reflecting that fondness back at Steve. "And I always thought you were beautiful. Just figured you'd have decked me if I said it back then." He smiled and it was wry, amusement dancing in his eyes. "Plus you had all the courage." He shrugged a little. "Always doin' the right thing even if you ended up with a split lip or bloody nose."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“I feel like I should get that in writing, that I’ve never been dumb,” Steve said, musingly. “I feel like there’s been more than a couple scraps you’ve pulled me out of, cursing my name.”

His face went a little somber, too. “Thing is, sometimes I think I jump into shit not because I’m brave, but because I’m scared. Felt that today, for sure. I didn’t insist on taking the mission from you out of bravery. Cowardice more like.”

[endsinafight]

"There's a difference between being dumb and doing dumb shit. Not gonna say you ain't done the latter, Pal, cause we both know better."

Bucky grew serious once more, at that, searching his face. "What were you afraid of?" he asked quietly, even if he had a feeling he already knew the answer.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“I was afraid of you getting hurt,” he said, easily. That was the easy thing to admit. The crux of it took a little longer to get out. “I was afraid of you being treated wrong. I was afraid that if it got too bad, I’d wake up one morning and you’d have taken off, for good this time. I wouldn’t even have blamed you.”

[endsinafight]

He drew in a slow breath, looking down at his hands for a long moment, letting those words sink in. "In all honesty, it wasn't that bad until today," he confessed. "It was the first time the order was assassination. But...if I'm being honest, I knew it was coming eventually. I knew it the day I signed that contract. You don't have a guy like me sign that kind of agreement unless you're going to utilize his very specific skill set."

Bucky gazed at him again. "But I'm not going anywhere, Steve. Not without you."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Come up here with me?” Steve said, and he was aware his voice was a little pitiful, but he didn’t care. “I want to feel you.”

He was exhausted, in so much pain, and sad to his bones. Bucky had so much to give the world and Steve never wanted him to think in terms of that skill set again.

[endsinafight]

He nodded, this time moving the bed rail down so it wouldn't dig into his spine when he squeezed onto the small mattress next to Steve. He smiled a little. "Sorta feels like we're in our early twenties again, trying to squeeze onto a mattress that's barely big enough for one of us."

Bucky chuckled quietly when Monet jumped up onto the chair right beside the bed, curling up behind him, head resting on his leg. He shifted a little, carefully wrapping his arm around Steve's torso and resting his head beside Steve's on the pillow.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Thank you,” he said. “Tomorrow you can put me in our huge bed and bribe me to stay there by staying in it with me. You take such good care of me.”

Steve sounded exhausted. He shifted a little so he could lean his head against Bucky’s chest. He took a deep breath, making sure to memorize the smell and feel of him.

“Thank you for taking the shot,” he said so quietly. “It’s not fair that you had to, but I’m so grateful.”

[endsinafight]

"That's the plan," he said quietly, hoping that plan didn't get turned on its head. It wouldn't surprise him if it did, considering Fury was bound to be returning soon, and who knew how that was going to go? He wasn't going to think about it for now. He reached up and rested his hand on the back of Steve's head.

He was fairly certain taking care of Steve was just part of his purpose for existing. And he wasn't complaining. He might give him crap on occasion, but a big part of Bucky lived for looking out for the other man. Always had. He stroked his hair, letting his eyes close momentarily.

"I know," he murmured. "I hated it but I'd make the same choice every time if it meant keeping you alive."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve pressed a kiss over Bucky’s t-shirt. He was already half-asleep, drained from the day and the pain.

“I love you,” he murmured, and quick enough he fell entirely asleep.

It wasn’t even that late in the day—not even ten. A nurse poked her head in to check on them, and when she noticed that they were peaceful and all the monitors were fine, she took her leave easily.

An hour or so later, however, Fury made his way in the room. The nurse that had been looking out for him tried to stop him, but it was easy enough for him to throw his credentials around.

He moved quiet enough that he took a moment to watch them, silently, just inside the door. When he spoke, his voice was dry.

“Isn’t this cute?” he said.

[endsinafight]

Bucky heard the nurse come and go, but drifted off sometime after that. He was out of it enough that he didn't hear Fury until he spoke, and it took every ounce of self-control he had not to jolt and wake up Steve. He carefully extricated himself from the other, even as Monet let out a small growl as she turned around to face the other man.

"Monet," he said, voice hushed.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Down, boy,” Fury said. It was unclear if he was referring to Bucky or the dog.

“You wanted to wait until your captain was awake, right?” Fury said. “Well, wake him up.”

It was actually pretty shocking Steve wasn’t already awake, still gently snoring. He only murmured unhappily when Bucky tried to extricate himself and reached for himself with his good hand.

[endsinafight]

"She's a girl," he responded, carefully sliding his legs off the edge of the bed. Monet kept herself between Bucky and Fury, her tail completely still for once, ears perked up. He had a feeling she was very close to baring her teeth at him. "Come here." He patted his leg and she looked at him but didn't move.

"He needs his rest, Sir." There was wariness in his voice. "He lost a lot of blood and he's in pain."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Fury looked at Monet for a long moment, idly hoping that the dog wasn’t some weird alien. He only had one eye left.

He moved his attention fully back to Bucky, after a moment. “Well, are you ready to debrief even though he’s asleep, now?"

[endsinafight]

"That depends." He pressed his lips together in a firm line. "Are you going to have me disappear underground if you don't like what I have to say?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“From the very beginning of this, Barnes, I’ve been constrained,” Fury said. “I’m not a cackling villain or whatever you’re imagining me to be. I’m trying to do things that protect the world and maintain the balance. You’re a complicated figure in the geopolitical landscape. You scare people. I need to be able to tell the people around me that you’re safely under control. Events like today don’t help that argument, since they’re very good evidence that you’re under no constraints at all."

[endsinafight]

"If I wasn't under control, I wouldn't be anywhere near Steve." His voice was serious, intent. He wouldn't allow himself to be near anyone. "The mission hit a snag, but your target's been eliminated." He glanced back at Steve for a moment, then drew in a slow, deep breath.

"As for what I imagine you to be?" Bucky lifted his chin. "I think you're a person in power who thinks he's doing the right things by any means you deem necessary. It's not a judgement, really. But there's more than a little bit of wariness on my part, admittedly."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“The people with real power don’t much care about your own assessments of being under control. They care about whose orders you follow,” he said. “And frankly, they’re not very reassured by the idea that the answer is Rogers.”

“And I don’t give a shit about your wariness,” he said. “I care about what you do and the choices you make. Right now, it seems to me, you’re in the middle of making a very bad one. You should consider the consequences of such choices."

[endsinafight]

"Were you not the one who put Steve in charge of the Avengers to begin with? Because that seems to insinuate you have a great deal of trust in him and his ability to make decisions and dole out orders. Sir." His voice was polite, but just so.

Bucky gazed intently at Fury, not surprised by his response. He hadn't been looking for sympathy by any means, just stating a fact. "What decision is it you think I'm in the middle of making, exactly?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Well, I mostly stand by that,” Fury says, a dry amusement in his tone. “The whole going off the reservation and breaking a bunch of international law has made some gun shy. I wonder why.”

“And as for that million dollar question, I was hoping you could tell me. I’ve got some guesses, but why don’t you just say it out right.”

Steve was awake at this point. His breathing has ever so slightly changed, but he didn’t move an inch, didn’t even tense up. His eyes were open to the barest slits, just in case this went bad in a way that neither of them expected.

[endsinafight]

The fact that Steve had done exactly that because of Bucky, didn't escape him. He doubted it escaped Fury, either. He resisted the urge to look back at Steve and check on him during this conversation, but he hadn't stirred and Bucky was too absorbed in what they were talking about to notice that his breathing pattern had changed a little.

Bucky leveled Fury with a gaze that spoke volumes. "I don't want to be SHIELD's Asset. I don't want to kill people anymore," he said honestly.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve felt a soft swell of emotion in his chest—it was somewhere between pride, sadness, and happiness. Bucky was standing up for himself. He was making space for his needs and desires, and doing so clearly. He was honestly a little happy, that everyone thought he was asleep—it gave Bucky a chance to do this on his own, but he got to witness it.

Fury, on the other hand, actually rolled his eyes. “All of this about a specific assassination order? What’s the difference between that and a normal mission?"

[endsinafight]

"Because there's a difference between wiping out HYDRA bases, shutting them down and rendering them useless and going into a mission knowing the sole purpose is being the cause of someone else's death," he said flatly. "I don't like killing in general, but it's different when it's self-defense or defense of another."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Fury stared at him. “So that’s your demand? No more kill orders?”

Steve reached out and gently touched Bucky’s back—hopefully not scaring the shit out of him. But he wanted to support him, to urge him to ask for everything he wanted.

[endsinafight]

"No more kill orders. And I want to be able to come and go from home as I please without supervision when I'm not on a mission." He paused, giving a silent apology to Steve for not telling him that part either.

Bucky pressed his lips together, Monet shifting restlessly at his feet. He didn't start when Steve touched his back, if only because he'd felt a tiny dip in the bed as he moved.

"And I want to be paid so that I can at least contribute to things like living expenses."