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[endsinafight]

Bucky'd been fidgety throughout the debriefing with Fury, even if he hadn't moved a muscle as he listened to the mission -- another HYDRA target, smaller, on a remote island in the Pacific. Not the usual setup, which made him uneasy from the get-go. But there was something else, something nagging at him, something in Fury's tone that told him there was more to this mission than he was willing to divulge. It wasn't a surprise. Fury might not be HYDRA, but in some ways his methods were so similar that it felt like being back there anyway. He definitely believed in the need to know principle, and obviously he didn't feel like they needed to know whatever it was he was holding back. His gaze darted to Steve, wondering if he'd picked up on it, too.

But if Steve had, his expression didn't betray his thoughts.

He pressed his lips together as they were dismissed, Fury addressing him as the others agents involved in the mission filtered out of the room. "Barnes. Hang back a minute."

And there it was, he thought, meeting Steve's eyes only briefly before lingering as Fury requested. One the door was shut again, the other man turned to study him.

"You have a different mission while they're disabling all of HYDRA's operating systems and containing the operatives."

Bucky studied him just as intently, his voice flat when he responded. "Who'm I eliminating?"

If Fury was surprised by his response, he gave nothing away. "Your target is Katya Belyakov."

"Who is she?" His voice was wary.

"You sure you wanna know the details, Barnes?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"If you're asking me to murder someone, yes," Bucky said, jaw tightening.

Fury regarded him for a long moment. "Essentially, she's the of the most dangerous people in the galaxy. Mind control abilities that she's utilized to force others to commit her dirty work. She's likely being accompanied by a former SHIELD operative who turned out to be moonlighting for HYDRA, Grant Ward. I'd prefer him to remain alive. He's got a lot to answer for."

Every muscle in Bucky's body tensed at the information about Belyakov, but also the name Grant Ward, his stomach turning in recognition.

"Ah. See you're familiar with him then."

"Unfortunately," Bucky responded stiffly, struggling to maintain his composure. "I'm assuming this isn't an optional mission." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"You knew when you signed the dotted line that there's no such thing here, Barnes. Is there a problem? Or do I need to go over the fine print of your contract to refresh your memory?"

Fuck you, he thought. "No, Sir. Am I free to go?"

"You're dismissed."

--

An hour later, he was suited up in his tac gear, breathing steady and even despite the wild pounding of his heart as he boarded the quinjet with a team he didn't know or trust, and the only person on the earth he truly did.

Comments

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Sam looked at Bucky a long moment then looked at Steve.

“Okay. I’m going to go too because it seems like y’all need to work this out. I just have one thing to say, which is that Steve, you seem really angry. And it’s coming off that you’re angry at Bucky. So, just think about that. If that’s what you want to be communicating to him right now.”

Steve opened his mouth and Sam said, “ah ah ah, no. I said I had one thing to say. I said that thing! Peace. I’ll stand guard and intercept the burgers and dog.”

And then Sam left, leaving Steve and Bucky in silence. Steve just stared at Bucky, how miserable he looked, and suddenly his eyes were stinging. He roughly wiped his face with his free hand, and when then that did anything, he covered both his eyes with his palm and took a shuddering breath.

[endsinafight]

Part of him wanted to follow Sam right out the door and get out of there, but he knew he couldn't. Not without making a further mess out of things than he already had. And he'd definitely done enough of that today. "Before you say anything, I need you to know upfront that this isn't your fault." Bucky's voice was so quiet it was barely audible. To anyone else it would have been inaudible.

He drew in a shaky breath, not looking at Steve. "None of this is your fault, okay?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“I never once asked you if this was what you actually wanted, working for SHIELD,” Steve said. His voice was thick. “Not once.”

“I basically tore you away from a place you were happy and like an idiot, ignored that you were miserable. I don’t know about fault. But I know I am unforgivably blind.”

[endsinafight]

"No." At that, he did look up. "You may have been the one to initially get in touch with Fury, but I'm the one who signed on the dotted line, Steve. You got your team home where they belonged. Let's not forget they were ousted from the country because of me to begin with. I owed them all to help them get back here. And I don't regret that."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“No,” Steve said. He took his hand away from his eyes, which were red-rimmed but intent. “They made their choice because people were treating you wrong. It wasn’t because of you and you didn’t owe them. Ask any one of them and they’d say the same.”

He took a gulp of air and closed his eyes hard, just for a moment, before opening them again and meeting Bucky’s gaze. “You don’t have to earn the right to live a decent happy life. You are owed that.”

[endsinafight]

His throat tightened and for a moment he felt like he couldn't breathe. He understood what Steve was saying, and he didn't even doubt that the others would agree. "That was only part of it," he said quietly. "I wanted to come back, too, Steve. I wanted --" You. He cut himself off, shaking his head and exhaling, rubbing his right hand over his face tiredly.

"You and I both know that's not how life works." It never had been. Life didn't owe them a damn thing, even if they wanted it. In the long run it didn't matter what they wanted. It wasn't up to them.

"I'm sorry." His shoulders dropped. "I'm sorry for not telling you."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve shook his head, a harsh jerk of a motion.

“Please don’t apologize to me. Just—let me help you? Please? Let’s try to be happy. I want it for you, so badly. I want it for me. I want to try to figure that out. I don’t ever want to be party to forcing you to kill again.”

His voice was rough. He could barely look at Bucky. He felt overwhelmed with emotion, like he was drowning in it. The part of him that instantly got furious was protective, almost. Now that he’d calmed down, he was on the edge of humiliating tears.

[endsinafight]

"You weren't." He hadn't let himself think about the girl from that morning, had only registered for a split second that she was a mere child before he'd ended her life. He'd gotten so, so good at tucking the horrors away deep down even if they spilled over in the middle of the night most nights. He pushed himself away from the window ledge and moved toward the bed, sitting down on the edge of it for a few seconds before stretching out beside Steve like he had earlier, this time burying his face in Steve's neck.

"This isn't on you."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve reached up with his uninjured hand and immediately started stroking Bucky’s hair, soft, almost reverent.

“I don’t care who it’s on or not on. I just. I just want you to be able to have the life you want. I want to help you get there. I don’t want to give orders that give you nightmares.”

[endsinafight]

Bucky shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut at the tenderness in Steve's touch. He carefully wrapped his arm around the other man's torso. "Steve." His voice was strained. "I want to be wherever you are. That's what I want." He'd loved Wakanda, had felt more at peace there than anywhere he'd ever been, but he'd been lonely. So damned lonely. SKYPE conversations and occasional visits hadn't been enough for him, and he knew that made him selfish.

Steve wasn't like him. Steve was built for the fight. Lived for it. He couldn't quite picture Steve being willing to give all that up.

And he'd never ask him to.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Wetness leaked from the corner of Steve’s eye, but he did his best to keep his voice calm. He dug his fingers into Bucky’s hair, trying to comfort.

“Okay,” he said. “Great. I never want to leave your side again. That’s a start. What else do you want? For you.”

[endsinafight]

"This can't just be about me," he murmured, resting his right hand over Steve's heart. "It shouldn't be. Not if we're gonna make this work."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve nodded. “Yeah,” he said, his voice soft. “You’re right. But we can’t compromise if I don’t know what you want, Buck.”

[endsinafight]

He was quiet for a long time, considering that carefully. "I don't wanna fight anymore. Not unless there's no other choice," he admitted. If it came down to it -- if one of the others was in trouble, or if aliens invaded, or there was another invasion of robots, he knew he'd gear up and do what he had to do because at the end of the day he couldn't live with himself if he hid out at the end of the world.

He wanted to be free to come and go as he pleased, without supervision, even if it was Steve's. He didn't want to keep feeling like a caged animal.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“Okay,” Steve said immediately. “Sounds reasonable. Thank you for telling me.”

He thought for a long moment, tilting his head to press a kiss at the top of Bucky’s head.

“For now, I still need to fight. So we should find a place where I can fight and you can have some peace.”

It wasn’t quite right for Steve to say he wanted to fight—it didn’t feel exactly like a desire. But he knew with certainty that he wasn’t done taking revenge on the evil doers of the world.

[endsinafight]

Bucky kept his eyes closed, listening to the steady sound of Steve's heartbeat. He wasn't surprised by Steve's admission, even if it made him uneasy. He didn't want to fight, but he also didn't like the idea of Steve being out there without Bucky watching his back. "Natasha wants us to go on Ellen and tell the world our story so Fury doesn't try and make me vanish and doesn't expel the rest of you from the country."

He huffed.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Even though Steve knew he still wasn’t all that far from tears, he couldn’t help but smile.

“I have a guess about what you think of that idea,” he said. “But, honestly Buck. It makes sense to me. At least as part of the plan. Being a show pony has never been my favorite thing, but I’ve always been able to do what I do because people feel like they know me.”

His smile grew rueful. “They’re wrong about a lot of things, but they trust me. You’re scarier because you’re unknown. And—well. I told you this at Coney Island. Ain’t never going to bother me to talk about you being my fella.”

[endsinafight]

Bucky exhaled, the thought of going on national television after everything he'd done making his mouth go dry. It might end up being a necessary evil, especially if it meant SHIELD couldn't railroad him and force the others to leave their homes again. But it wasn't an idea he liked by any means.

"Yeah. I know you did," he murmured. But there were other factors to take into consideration, too. Like the fact that going on television would thrust him right into the center of attention, possibly HYDRA's all over again. It would definitely catch the attention of people like Tony Stark, who likely still wanted him dead, cease fire in place or not.

"Natasha definitely knows about us. Not sure if Sam thinks she's right or not, but...wouldn't surprise me."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve rubbed a soothing circle with his finger tips on the back of Bucky’s neck.

“You don’t like it, so we’ll look for other options and see what we can make work. We’re going to prioritize us being happy and like you said before, it’s not gonna be perfect. But we can try for the best we can do.”

After a moment, when Bucky talked about the others, Steve went red.

“Ah. Well,” he said, clearing his throat. “I ain’t a good liar, Buck. And before we even found you in Bucharest, he asked me right out if we were lovers. I said no. But then he asked me if I loved you like that. I didn’t say yes. But. I ain’t a good liar.”

And with that as background, it would be hard to imagine Sam interpreting what he’s seen anything other than correctly. Steve didn’t want to say this, especially since this was still fairly new between them, but he sometimes got the sense that Sam kept forgetting that he was supposed to pretend they weren’t obvious.

[endsinafight]

He relaxed at that assurance, humming quietly at the sensation of Steve's fingers against his skin. He didn't know if there was going to be a way around going public, but if there was, they'd find it. He believed that, so for the moment he let go of the worry about it.

Bucky could hear in Steve's voice even before he admitted to him about the conversation he'd had early on with Sam that Steve hadn't done anything to dissuade the others from thinking they'd been together. And truth be told, something about that made his chest feel warm. He lifted his head to look at him.

"You're right. You're a terrible liar," he agreed, one corner of his mouth tugging upwards.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Joy sparked in Steve’s chest, seeing the slight mischief on Bucky’s face, meeting his gorgeous blue-grey eyes. He probably looked smitten—which was appropriate, he felt smitten. "You make me worse than usual, sweetheart."

"At the time, I made sure to tell him that it wasn’t you, that you were my best friend but you didn’t me that way—but god, sweetheart, the truth of how I feel was written all over me. This century I think it’d be harder to hide, since they care way less about queer folks."

[endsinafight]

"That's why I was the one who had to do all the lyin' to our folks when we were in trouble growing up. I don't think you even knew what lying was til we met." He smirked. To be fair, he usually lied to keep them from getting into trouble over things that mostly wasn't their fault anyway.

"It's fine," he said, resting his chin on Steve's chest as he looked up at him. "Think I finally get why you like him so much."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“It’s that angelic face of yours,” Steve said, dryly. “People can’t help get distracted by admiring you and then next thing you know, you’ve got them bamboozled. Me? My jaw just sets, my skin heats, and I’ve either confessed all our sins or told them to go fuck themselves.”

Steve played a little with Bucky’s hair, letting the soft strands run through his fingers. “Yeah?” he said. “I’m glad. It’d was a little worrisome that the love of my life didn’t like one of my best friends.”

[endsinafight]

That made him snort, rolling his eyes. "Angelic face my ass," he mumbled, shaking his head. But his lips were still turned upwards. "But you do have this tendency to blush when you try to lie. It's cute."

He watched Steve for a moment, considering. "I may have been jealous," he admitted finally. And by may, he meant he'd definitely been jealous.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

 Steve went pink. Maybe he shouldn’t at all legitimate the jealousy, but as previously discussed, he can’t lie for shit.

“I mean. I was flirting a little bit when I first met him,” Steve said, a touch playfully. “But he’s totally straight. Natasha is the one I’ve kissed.”

Unlike Bucky. With Natasha, they’ve kissed and it meant nothing. With Bucky, they haven’t, but every touch meant everything.

Steve gently ran his knuckles down Bucky’s cheek, his touch tender.

“They’re good friends. But I was only going through the motions of life until I knew you were alive again. I thought my life was essentially over. There will never be anyone like you, for me. Friend or love. You’re my soul, more or less.”