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[endsinafight]

He should have known something weird was going to happen considering the fact that it was a full moon. But he was trying his best to put as much weird behind him as he could, and that included any kind of supernatural or alien shenannigans. Not that he wouldn't pitch in and do his part if it came down to it, but these days, Bucky much preferred sticking closer to the old brownstone he'd taken up residence in the last few weeks, since the Snap had been reversed. That wasn't to say he stayed locked up in his new place, because he hadn't. He'd been out to see Steve and his grandkids earlier that day, in fact.

Yesterday, he'd reluctantly agreed to have lunch with Sam, whom was turning out to be a pretty good friend. It wasn't something he would have imagined a year ago. Or -- technically, five years ago.

No, Bucky was doing his best to scrape together some semblance of a life in the wake of Thanos' reign and the Snap, and Tony's death and Steve's trip to the past.

And, and, and.

It was just a lot easier said than done. Some people still looked at him funny when he went to the stores, no doubt recognizing him and wondering if they were about to be brutally murdered. He wanted to tell them so badly that they weren't in any danger from him. He didn't want to hurt anyone.

He was lucky if he got four or five hours of sleep at night, and most of that was still filled with nightmares. Tonight was no exception and at 2 in the morning, he found himself staring out the kitchen window, drinking a glass of water when the hair on the back of his neck suddenly stood up, and he knew, instinctively, that shit was about to get weird.

Heart beating fast in his chest, he turned, pausing at the sight of Steve Rogers standing behind him, looking around like he was confused, and damned if Bucky wasn't confused, too, because this wasn't an old man.

This Steve looked like he was 26 or 27, tops.

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[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve’s mind was trying to work this all out. He had never experienced time travel before and he hadn’t been obsessed with science fiction pulps, not like Buck.

"So, I went and brought Peggy from the past," he said, slowly. "But—is there another Bucky floating around in this universe, too?"

He must have rescued Bucky, as well. But this Bucky said he was in HYDRA hands until 2014.

[endsinafight]

No matter how much science fiction he'd read, Bucky still struggled to wrap his mind around how time travel actually worked, but --

Bucky paused at Steve's assumption, then shook his head, voice wavering just a little when he answered. "No, Steve, you -- he. Stayed in the past. Lived out his life the way he should have gotten to the first time around. He's -- much older now. Physically." Which he wasn't sure he understood, either, given what he knew about the serum, mostly from Shuri.

He picked up his coffee cup, wrapped his right hand around it, mostly because he needed its warmth to keep him more grounded. The more they talked, the more he started to feel like this was all some kind of dream because none of it sounded realistic, even to his own ears.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

The tragedy of it struck Steve hard. No wonder Bucky hated him—Steve had gone back, not even knowing that Bucky was suffering. He’d lived a whole life in ignorance.

"Oh, god," Steve said. "So when you said you met him in 2014—you met him after he’d gone back to the past? I would have gone back to the past in the next couple years?"

[endsinafight]

Bucky sort of felt like the earth was tilting and he was getting dangerously close to toppling right off the edge of it. He forced himself to take a deep breath, trying to get control over his own rapidly spiraling emotions.

"Ah, no. No, he just went into the past earlier this year," he told him, glancing at him. "Like I said, a lot of other -- things happened between 2014 and now. So he left and came back in what was about 10 seconds worth of time for me, but was decades of time for him. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense."

He did his best to smile but it came out more of a grimace.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve stared at Bucky. He wanted to accuse him of lying. This just didn’t make any fucking sense—but the truth of it was written on Bucky’s face, the pain in that parody of a smile.

He stood up sharply, rocking the swing back, and gripped his hair. He turned to stare down at Bucky.

"I left you?" he said, feeling like he was going to vomit. "What the fuck happened? How is that—how is that possible?"

[endsinafight]

The swing's abrupt movement caused coffee to slosh out of the cup, spilling over the wooden swing and Bucky's hand and his sweatpants. He put it down on the table once more, wiping his hand on his pants absently.

The anger in Steve's voice was reminiscent of the anger in his voice from every damned street fight he'd pulled him out of growing up. He rose to his feet, but he also kept a couple feet of distance between them, for both of their sake at the moment.

"A handful of apocalypses," he said after a moment. "Loss and grief. It was too much, I think." And he knew he was right, which is why he'd never blamed Steve for choosing the path he'd taken, why he'd never been able to be angry with him, even. The rest of it he just locked down as much as he could and ignored the way he did most things he didn't want to think about or deal with.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

"Watching you fall from that train was the fucking apocalypse," Steve snapped. He couldn’t fathom the idea that it was possible to lose so much that he wouldn’t want to be wherever Bucky was. "I crashed that plane because I couldn’t take it—and you’re telling me I left? And then—fuck. I didn’t even come get you from Hydra?"

Steve was almost snarling at Bucky—it was misdirected, surely, but he rocked up on his heels like he was getting ready for a fight. He wanted to—he didn’t know. Maybe he did die. Maybe this was hell.

[endsinafight]

It felt like Steve had thrown ice water right in his face and he felt the blood drain from his face. His arms and legs felt numb, stomach dropping like he'd just eaten lead as he simply stared at him in wide-eyed shock.

"You did what?" His voice was barely audible.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Bucky’s expression brought Steve up short. He stopped, breathing hard, color high in his cheeks—he averted his eyes, though, not able to take the shock in Bucky’s face.

"It wasn’t that simple. I was saving the world. But yes. Fuck. I wanted to see you again. I knew you’d end up in heaven and I thought maybe doing that, taking all those bombs—it’d get me in, too. The idea of waking up however many more days and knowin’ I wasn’t going to see you again—"

He cut himself off, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

[endsinafight]

For a long moment, Bucky didn't know what to say, and it didn't matter because right then he couldn't find his voice anyway. He'd just assumed there hadn't been a choice in the matter, but knowing Steve had wanted to die -- because he thought Bucky was gone was almost too much to process.

"You goddamned idiot," he whispered hoarsely, no heat to his voice. "You think that's what I'd want for you? Ever?"

He wasn't sure why he was surprised, really, given that Steve had stopped fighting him on the hellicarrier; that he'd been willing to just let Bucky beat the shit out of him until he died if it meant not hurting him. Goddammit.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve choked out a laugh. It sounded like it was coming through a layer of broken glass, raw and bleeding.

"I wasn’t thinking about what you wanted, because you were dead."

[endsinafight]

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut tightly, tried to let that sink in for a moment. Then he leaned heavily against the porch's banister, wrapping his left hand around it for support. "I don't understand," he admitted, trying to make sense of it. "You thought I was dead, but Peggy wasn't." He knew, though, that grief could make people act irrationally. Do things they normally wouldn't. And Steve -- Steve had always been impulsive, anyway.

"Christ, Steve." He rubbed a hand over his face.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve laughed harder, covering his eyes with his hand so he wouldn’t have to look at Bucky, pressing his palm hard like he could hold any emotion in.

"I don’t fucking understand, either. Because I was sad to think that me and Peg wouldn’t ever give it a go, but it felt like it’d be worse than dying to try to live a life with her without you by my side. It—none of it means anything. None of it. I can’t believe you don’t know this—I can’t believe anything you’re fucking telling me."

[endsinafight]

His breath caught in his throat and he felt a little sick to his stomach at the realization that dawned on him then: the Bucky Barnes that had fallen from the train so long ago was so different from the man he'd turned into even after being away from HYDRA. The Bucky Barnes who'd died in the forties was someone that had been worth that kind of ride or die devotion. Who he was now was not. It was nothing he hadn't known, deep down in his bones regardless of how hard he ignored it. The truth was in the metaphorical pudding.

He felt rattled, all the way to his core, like a switch had been flipped.

"A lot happened between -- when he found me and this year," he said again, feeling almost outside himself as he spoke. "I was wanted by every government under the sun. The Avengers broke up. There were killer robots. Aliens. He lost people." His voice sounded hollow now. "Alien named Thanos snapped half the planet out of existence for five years and he was left behind trying to clean up the mess. It was too much, Steve."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve heard something in Bucky’s voice, even though he couldn’t place it—Bucky sounded dazed, shocked in a way that that betrayed how all those traumatic things had hit him too. And Steve didn’t think a single one of those things was an excuse. He was disgusted with himself—Bucky had been the only person by Steve’s side for their entire childhood and young adulthood. How easily Steve abandoned him. It revealed a fecklessness about his character that he didn’t like to acknowledge.

Steve made a decision, all of a sudden—he’d always been impulsive. He turned to Bucky, face fierce even with red-rimmed eyes, and grabbed both of his hands within his own. Holding tight he said, "Come home with me. Come help me rescue your other self, and then come be with us. I—I want to be with you. If you want to be with me."

[endsinafight]

The fact that Steve looked like he was on the verge of crying was almost too much to bear. But when he grabbed Bucky's hands, all the air left his lungs entirely and he couldn't breathe. It wasn't enough, truly, wasn't what he needed and he hesitated only a moment before stepping into the warmth of Steve's body and wrapping his arms around him in a hug.

He couldn't bring himself to speak right then because it was so much more complicated than Steve even knew. So many reasons that could never happen. But for a moment he wanted to pretend that it could. Just for a moment.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve clutched Bucky back, breathing hard—his arms wrapped around Bucky’s back and his fingers dug into the big muscles there, as if he was going to try to claw right through Bucky’s shirt. He pushed his head into Bucky’s neck, mouth open with the force of his panting. Holding Bucky, feeling the life underneath his hands—it went right to the twisting, curling core of emotion in him that he’d been trying to hold back.

With a rough and broken voice, he gasped out, "I missed you so much."

[endsinafight]

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut when Steve's arms came around him, holding on hard and tight like he was afraid if he didn't, Bucky would just disappear. And he knew that wasn't out of the realm of possibility. It had happened once before, quite literally. He wasn't sure what kind of impact seeing that had on the Steve from his own timeline, but he was sure it wasn't good. And he wasn't this Steve's Bucky, not really (except wasn't he? Wasn't he this Steve's Bucky in the future? Time travel is so goddamned complicated).

But maybe he could at least give him a little bit of comfort, here and now. He let his right hand come up to cup the back of Steve's head, holding him close.

"Shhh," he murmured. "I got you, Steve. I got you."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

His shoulders shuddered and he took quick, deep breaths, trying to get himself together. Bucky had always been there for him. Bucky’s presence in his life was more familiar to him than his own body—even though Bucky had changed, was thicker and more muscled, he was closer to who he had been then Steve.

But the comfort had never gone one way. Steve’s hand was shaky, but he used one of them to rub Bucky’s back, trying to reassure him as well.

"I got you, too," he said. "Come back with me. I’m so sorry. I don’t—I don’t understand. But I’m sorry."

[endsinafight]

Bucky simply held him as he pulled himself together, felt his own chest grow tight because part of him wanted nothing more than to go with Steve like he was asking. He knew Steve didn't understand all the reasons why he couldn't.

"You don't need to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong, Steve." Except attempt suicide because Bucky was gone. That definitely still had him rattled. There was little doubt in his mind he'd be having nightmares about that for awhile. Sleep was overrated anyway.

"But..." His voice dropped. "I can't go back with you. I wish I could."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve swallowed hard, nodding into Bucky’s skin.

"Of course," he said, roughly. "You have a life here. I’m glad. I just—I’m sorry. I’m still selfish, I guess."

Why would Bucky want to go with him? He wasn’t Bucky’s Steve and Bucky’s Steve—well. He hoped that he wouldn’t’ve done that, but he did do it, in some time line, and Bucky knew it. Bucky had seen into the heart of Steve and he had been found horribly, gravely wanting.

[endsinafight]

It wasn't much of a life, really. He kept mostly to himself. His own Steve had handed the shield over to Sam, and he knew Sam was training hard to work on becoming the next Captain America. He didn't begrudge him the title in the least. It wasn't difficult to see that Sam would be a far better symbol of justice than he would be, and Bucky...

Bucky was tired. He didn't want that life anymore. He hadn't wanted to fight in a long time now.

"Listen. Before you go, stay here with me for a few days. Rest. I can fill you in on some things that might make it easier back home." His voice was quiet and he couldn't quite bring himself to pull away from Steve even though he knew he probably should.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve snorted, a little watery.. "Buck, I don’t know how to get home. But yeah, even if I did. I’ll stay a little bit."

He wanted to say that he’d stay here, in this nice house with Bucky, if Bucky wouldn’t leave—but he couldn’t. He had his Bucky to take care of and that Bucky—well. He’d not been very specific when talking about his time with HYDRA, but Steve couldn’t imagine it was humane.

"You can tell me everything I need to know to rescue the other Bucky," Steve said. He loosened his hold every so slightly, but he didn’t want to let go of Bucky either.

[endsinafight]

"We'll figure that out. Somehow." He already had a couple ideas, even if neither of them particularly pleased him. He couldn't help the relief he felt when Steve agreed to stay for awhile so easily, though. In the long run it would be worse on him, he was sure. But he'd never had a lot of sense when it came to Steve Rogers.

But maybe he could give the other Bucky some kind of better ending than he'd had. Maybe.

"Yeah," he said softly. And maybe he can tell him enough to prevent the Avengers from breaking apart. And maybe if they face Thanos united as a team then --

Maybe things would be better for everyone. Maybe Steve wouldn't want to go back to the forties. But maybe that was just a silly pipe dream, too, because it was difficult to imagine any version of Steve who didn't want to live out his life with Peggy Carter.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve tried to gather himself, pulling back ever so slightly in Bucky’s arms. He kept holding him, though and looked down to study his face.

"Could you tell me why you don’t want to come?" He flushed, after the question left his mouth. It was too personal, probably—Bucky didn’t owe him that. But Steve wanted to know. He was greedy for every bit of knowledge and attention Bucky would give him.