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[endsinafight]

He should have known something weird was going to happen considering the fact that it was a full moon. But he was trying his best to put as much weird behind him as he could, and that included any kind of supernatural or alien shenannigans. Not that he wouldn't pitch in and do his part if it came down to it, but these days, Bucky much preferred sticking closer to the old brownstone he'd taken up residence in the last few weeks, since the Snap had been reversed. That wasn't to say he stayed locked up in his new place, because he hadn't. He'd been out to see Steve and his grandkids earlier that day, in fact.

Yesterday, he'd reluctantly agreed to have lunch with Sam, whom was turning out to be a pretty good friend. It wasn't something he would have imagined a year ago. Or -- technically, five years ago.

No, Bucky was doing his best to scrape together some semblance of a life in the wake of Thanos' reign and the Snap, and Tony's death and Steve's trip to the past.

And, and, and.

It was just a lot easier said than done. Some people still looked at him funny when he went to the stores, no doubt recognizing him and wondering if they were about to be brutally murdered. He wanted to tell them so badly that they weren't in any danger from him. He didn't want to hurt anyone.

He was lucky if he got four or five hours of sleep at night, and most of that was still filled with nightmares. Tonight was no exception and at 2 in the morning, he found himself staring out the kitchen window, drinking a glass of water when the hair on the back of his neck suddenly stood up, and he knew, instinctively, that shit was about to get weird.

Heart beating fast in his chest, he turned, pausing at the sight of Steve Rogers standing behind him, looking around like he was confused, and damned if Bucky wasn't confused, too, because this wasn't an old man.

This Steve looked like he was 26 or 27, tops.

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[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Bucky’s expression brought Steve up short. He stopped, breathing hard, color high in his cheeks—he averted his eyes, though, not able to take the shock in Bucky’s face.

"It wasn’t that simple. I was saving the world. But yes. Fuck. I wanted to see you again. I knew you’d end up in heaven and I thought maybe doing that, taking all those bombs—it’d get me in, too. The idea of waking up however many more days and knowin’ I wasn’t going to see you again—"

He cut himself off, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

[endsinafight]

For a long moment, Bucky didn't know what to say, and it didn't matter because right then he couldn't find his voice anyway. He'd just assumed there hadn't been a choice in the matter, but knowing Steve had wanted to die -- because he thought Bucky was gone was almost too much to process.

"You goddamned idiot," he whispered hoarsely, no heat to his voice. "You think that's what I'd want for you? Ever?"

He wasn't sure why he was surprised, really, given that Steve had stopped fighting him on the hellicarrier; that he'd been willing to just let Bucky beat the shit out of him until he died if it meant not hurting him. Goddammit.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve choked out a laugh. It sounded like it was coming through a layer of broken glass, raw and bleeding.

"I wasn’t thinking about what you wanted, because you were dead."

[endsinafight]

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut tightly, tried to let that sink in for a moment. Then he leaned heavily against the porch's banister, wrapping his left hand around it for support. "I don't understand," he admitted, trying to make sense of it. "You thought I was dead, but Peggy wasn't." He knew, though, that grief could make people act irrationally. Do things they normally wouldn't. And Steve -- Steve had always been impulsive, anyway.

"Christ, Steve." He rubbed a hand over his face.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve laughed harder, covering his eyes with his hand so he wouldn’t have to look at Bucky, pressing his palm hard like he could hold any emotion in.

"I don’t fucking understand, either. Because I was sad to think that me and Peg wouldn’t ever give it a go, but it felt like it’d be worse than dying to try to live a life with her without you by my side. It—none of it means anything. None of it. I can’t believe you don’t know this—I can’t believe anything you’re fucking telling me."

[endsinafight]

His breath caught in his throat and he felt a little sick to his stomach at the realization that dawned on him then: the Bucky Barnes that had fallen from the train so long ago was so different from the man he'd turned into even after being away from HYDRA. The Bucky Barnes who'd died in the forties was someone that had been worth that kind of ride or die devotion. Who he was now was not. It was nothing he hadn't known, deep down in his bones regardless of how hard he ignored it. The truth was in the metaphorical pudding.

He felt rattled, all the way to his core, like a switch had been flipped.

"A lot happened between -- when he found me and this year," he said again, feeling almost outside himself as he spoke. "I was wanted by every government under the sun. The Avengers broke up. There were killer robots. Aliens. He lost people." His voice sounded hollow now. "Alien named Thanos snapped half the planet out of existence for five years and he was left behind trying to clean up the mess. It was too much, Steve."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve heard something in Bucky’s voice, even though he couldn’t place it—Bucky sounded dazed, shocked in a way that that betrayed how all those traumatic things had hit him too. And Steve didn’t think a single one of those things was an excuse. He was disgusted with himself—Bucky had been the only person by Steve’s side for their entire childhood and young adulthood. How easily Steve abandoned him. It revealed a fecklessness about his character that he didn’t like to acknowledge.

Steve made a decision, all of a sudden—he’d always been impulsive. He turned to Bucky, face fierce even with red-rimmed eyes, and grabbed both of his hands within his own. Holding tight he said, "Come home with me. Come help me rescue your other self, and then come be with us. I—I want to be with you. If you want to be with me."

[endsinafight]

The fact that Steve looked like he was on the verge of crying was almost too much to bear. But when he grabbed Bucky's hands, all the air left his lungs entirely and he couldn't breathe. It wasn't enough, truly, wasn't what he needed and he hesitated only a moment before stepping into the warmth of Steve's body and wrapping his arms around him in a hug.

He couldn't bring himself to speak right then because it was so much more complicated than Steve even knew. So many reasons that could never happen. But for a moment he wanted to pretend that it could. Just for a moment.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve clutched Bucky back, breathing hard—his arms wrapped around Bucky’s back and his fingers dug into the big muscles there, as if he was going to try to claw right through Bucky’s shirt. He pushed his head into Bucky’s neck, mouth open with the force of his panting. Holding Bucky, feeling the life underneath his hands—it went right to the twisting, curling core of emotion in him that he’d been trying to hold back.

With a rough and broken voice, he gasped out, "I missed you so much."

[endsinafight]

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut when Steve's arms came around him, holding on hard and tight like he was afraid if he didn't, Bucky would just disappear. And he knew that wasn't out of the realm of possibility. It had happened once before, quite literally. He wasn't sure what kind of impact seeing that had on the Steve from his own timeline, but he was sure it wasn't good. And he wasn't this Steve's Bucky, not really (except wasn't he? Wasn't he this Steve's Bucky in the future? Time travel is so goddamned complicated).

But maybe he could at least give him a little bit of comfort, here and now. He let his right hand come up to cup the back of Steve's head, holding him close.

"Shhh," he murmured. "I got you, Steve. I got you."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

His shoulders shuddered and he took quick, deep breaths, trying to get himself together. Bucky had always been there for him. Bucky’s presence in his life was more familiar to him than his own body—even though Bucky had changed, was thicker and more muscled, he was closer to who he had been then Steve.

But the comfort had never gone one way. Steve’s hand was shaky, but he used one of them to rub Bucky’s back, trying to reassure him as well.

"I got you, too," he said. "Come back with me. I’m so sorry. I don’t—I don’t understand. But I’m sorry."

[endsinafight]

Bucky simply held him as he pulled himself together, felt his own chest grow tight because part of him wanted nothing more than to go with Steve like he was asking. He knew Steve didn't understand all the reasons why he couldn't.

"You don't need to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong, Steve." Except attempt suicide because Bucky was gone. That definitely still had him rattled. There was little doubt in his mind he'd be having nightmares about that for awhile. Sleep was overrated anyway.

"But..." His voice dropped. "I can't go back with you. I wish I could."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve swallowed hard, nodding into Bucky’s skin.

"Of course," he said, roughly. "You have a life here. I’m glad. I just—I’m sorry. I’m still selfish, I guess."

Why would Bucky want to go with him? He wasn’t Bucky’s Steve and Bucky’s Steve—well. He hoped that he wouldn’t’ve done that, but he did do it, in some time line, and Bucky knew it. Bucky had seen into the heart of Steve and he had been found horribly, gravely wanting.

[endsinafight]

It wasn't much of a life, really. He kept mostly to himself. His own Steve had handed the shield over to Sam, and he knew Sam was training hard to work on becoming the next Captain America. He didn't begrudge him the title in the least. It wasn't difficult to see that Sam would be a far better symbol of justice than he would be, and Bucky...

Bucky was tired. He didn't want that life anymore. He hadn't wanted to fight in a long time now.

"Listen. Before you go, stay here with me for a few days. Rest. I can fill you in on some things that might make it easier back home." His voice was quiet and he couldn't quite bring himself to pull away from Steve even though he knew he probably should.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve snorted, a little watery.. "Buck, I don’t know how to get home. But yeah, even if I did. I’ll stay a little bit."

He wanted to say that he’d stay here, in this nice house with Bucky, if Bucky wouldn’t leave—but he couldn’t. He had his Bucky to take care of and that Bucky—well. He’d not been very specific when talking about his time with HYDRA, but Steve couldn’t imagine it was humane.

"You can tell me everything I need to know to rescue the other Bucky," Steve said. He loosened his hold every so slightly, but he didn’t want to let go of Bucky either.

[endsinafight]

"We'll figure that out. Somehow." He already had a couple ideas, even if neither of them particularly pleased him. He couldn't help the relief he felt when Steve agreed to stay for awhile so easily, though. In the long run it would be worse on him, he was sure. But he'd never had a lot of sense when it came to Steve Rogers.

But maybe he could give the other Bucky some kind of better ending than he'd had. Maybe.

"Yeah," he said softly. And maybe he can tell him enough to prevent the Avengers from breaking apart. And maybe if they face Thanos united as a team then --

Maybe things would be better for everyone. Maybe Steve wouldn't want to go back to the forties. But maybe that was just a silly pipe dream, too, because it was difficult to imagine any version of Steve who didn't want to live out his life with Peggy Carter.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve tried to gather himself, pulling back ever so slightly in Bucky’s arms. He kept holding him, though and looked down to study his face.

"Could you tell me why you don’t want to come?" He flushed, after the question left his mouth. It was too personal, probably—Bucky didn’t owe him that. But Steve wanted to know. He was greedy for every bit of knowledge and attention Bucky would give him.

[endsinafight]

It was so much harder to talk to Steve when they were looking at each other. It felt like Steve would be able to see right through him, right down to his heart. He held his breath for a moment, searching Steve's eyes even as he watched the man's face grow pink.

"Well...for one, you're going to have another me to be dealing with and he's -- not going to be in a great place," he said quietly. "And it's already going to be complicated dealing with him and Stark together without a second Bucky Barnes in the mix."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

"You could help," Steve said, feeling a bit drunk with the idea of being able to have two Buckys to be his friend. "Mentor him—like a big brother, or something."

[endsinafight]

Bucky almost smiled even if the idea was kind of horrifying, in reality. "I'd be a terrible mentor," he said honestly, the same thing he'd told his own Steve when he'd asked him to help Sam in his absence.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

This Steve laughed in Bucky’s face at that, a warm chuckle that ended in a smile.

"Buck," he said. "You can say it’s weird. But that’s bullshit. I wouldn’t have survived, if not for you. I was ten pounds of angry in a five pound bag—I refused all your attempts to help in the crankiest way possible. But I turned out alright."

[endsinafight]

The sincerity there somehow managed to shatter part of his heart even at the same time that some of the other cracks began to heal.

"I've changed a lot, Steve," he said softly, needing him to understand that he wasn't the Bucky he'd once known. Not by a long shot.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve shrugged one shoulder. "It’s been a long time. I’ve changed too."

He ducked his head, not quite able to look Bucky in the face to say this, but knowing it needed to be said. "I want to get to know you now. If it’s possible, if it doesn’t make the Bucky in my timeline wait too long—I’d like to really know you."

[endsinafight]

Bucky scraped his teeth over his lower lip when Steve looked down. He was going to regret this later, he was sure. He'd spent the last couple months just trying to get through each day without having some kind of meltdown because he missed Steve so much. But he'd never been able to tell Steve no, when it came right down to it.

"I want to know you, too," he admitted quietly. Because this was Steve from before the world had gone to total shit, and maybe it'll somehow help him to piece together the rest of the puzzle he'd been unable to solve. "And uh -- the time travel. You can go back to whenever. People won't even know you're gone."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve squeezed Bucky gently, barely able to express his affection in words. He kept looking down.

"I’m not sure I want to meet the other guy," he said. Steve wasn’t sure he could be civil, and he didn’t want to see his bad behavior in the flesh.