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[endsinafight]

Sweat drips down the back of his neck as he makes his way out of his hut and into the heat of the Wakandan sun. It's later than he usually gets started on things these days, but today he just hadn't had the energy to make himself get out of bed early. He's still tired, even if he shouldn't be. His body doesn't require the kind of sleep that normal humans need, but the last couple of weeks...well. Since he'd woken up from cryofreeze, sleep's been practically non-existent. Between flat out insomnia and nightmares, he doesn't rest much.

But this isn't even that. He knows how he feels after a restless night, and this isn't it. No, his lack of desire to get out of bed or leave his hut or do anything these days has a lot more to do with a six foot blond who's been back in Wakanda since a few days after he'd woken up. He knows Steve's there, because he's picked up the language easily -- which apparently still a thing he can do thanks to HYDRA -- and he hears whispers about "The Nomad" almost every day. He knows exactly who they mean.

He just rarely sees Steve himself. It's not like he's come around. He's not staying with Bucky. He's either in a hotel or at the palace, and that's fine. Really. He gets it. He doesn't blame Steve.

Bucky's still trying to get used to functioning with one arm. Balance has been surprisingly difficult. He's fallen more than once, used to having to lean to the right to balance the excess weight of the arm that had been strapped to him for the last seventy some years. Shuri's offered to make him a new one and he's turned her down. He doesn't need it. Doesn't want it. He's done fighting, thank you very much.

He doesn't bother with shoes as he pads out into the grassy area near the goats, who are definitely acting a lot more jumpy these days. He'd assume it was him, but his presence actually seems to relax them, so he thinks maybe there's a predator on the prowl at night freaking them out. He walks to pick up his garden hoe, because that's another thing that he's doing -- likes it. Finds it soothing. Growing something and helping it thrive instead of ruining it like he has everything else for the majority of his life.

When he rounds the house, he jumps, startled at Steve's sudden appearance. "Jesus Christ,," he mutters, heart pounding hard.

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[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve looked down at the clothes in his hand and smiled, bemused.

“Remember when I’d be swimming in your clothes, when I borrowed them. God, I hated that. I liked smelling you all day, but I hated to feel so small.”

[endsinafight]

"I remember," he admitted, and he did. But he'd also always loved seeing Steve in his clothes. "Maybe I can borrow some of your clothes sometime," he suggested, dropping his gaze. Steve was bigger than him -- not by a lot, but enough that the clothes would probably be baggy on him. Maybe it'd give Steve a nice taste of what had always been a treat for him in the old days.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve looked Bucky up and down, clearly going through the same calculation that Bucky just did.

“You don’t have to, if it would make you feel bad,” Steve said. “I liked it—but I wouldn’t ever want you to feel small.”

Unless Bucky wanted to feel small, in which case Steve would happily, greedily smother him in his own scent, in his clothes—his eyes were dark and interested, betraying his attempt to give Bucky an out.

[endsinafight]

"I don't think it'd make me feel bad. Or small," Bucky told him. The idea of wearing Steve's clothes like a second skin, being able to smell his familiar scent all day or night, even if Steve wasn't around, was entirely appealing to him. He could tell from the look on Steve's face that he was thinking along the same lines.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve grinned. He leaned in and kissed Bucky, quick and a little mischievous.

“If you’re willing, my wolf wants you to reek of me,” he said. He won’t mention the urges he’s had to pee on things—that was a bridge too far by any definition.

“Lake?” he asked, hopeful.

[endsinafight]

There was a little bit of giddiness that threatened to burst out of him at that admission. "There's not much I wouldn't be willing to do. With you or for you," he confessed, reaching out to take his hand.

"Lake."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve had a strange, doubled reaction to that. The part of him that viewed submission as love, sung with joy. For a werewolf, partnership and love was very difficult and hard to manage. Some pairs could only manage snarling and uneasy compromise, at least at first. The idea that Bucky would do anything for him, would submit that thoroughly—it felt like strength, not surrender. It felt like him making a choice for them.

The human part of Steve, however, had an immediate burst of concern—Bucky shouldn’t feel so desperate. He shouldn’t feel like he had to prove himself like that. Steve could take and take and take—he didn’t want to chew Bucky up and spit him out.

He considered these reactions for several minutes, holding on to Bucky’s hand and docilely being lead to the lake. When Bucky went to release him, he refused, holding on and tugging Bucky close.

“I want you to do things for me. I like that, it feels like love. But you’re important to me, as a person. It’s important to me that you’re good and happy and feel okay. Can you prioritize that, too?”

[endsinafight]

It wasn't a far walk to the lake behind his hut. He couldn't see it from there, but there was a hill and some trees blocking the view of the lake itself. He paused when Steve kept hold of his hand when he went to let go, turning to face him when he tugged him closer, expression and voice serious.

Bucky was silent for a moment, wondering if that was something he was capable of. It had been a long, long time since he'd thought of himself in terms of being a priority. Mostly he just kept himself busy to avoid thinking too much.

"I can try?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve reached down and fussed with Bucky’s hair, a small affectionate pointless adjustment.

“It feels difficult to try and treat yourself like a priority?” he asked, his voice gentle.

[endsinafight]

His shoulders relaxed a little at the gesture, pointless or not. "Yeah. It feels weird. Wrong." Bucky exhaled. He felt like he should be focusing on someone else, or somehow working toward making amends for the things he'd done. The problem was he didn't know how to begin, and he knew even if he did, there was no way to make up for the crimes he'd committed, for the people he'd killed.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve hummed briefly in acknowledgment. He could see that Bucky liked the touch so he touched more, letting his hands rub gently up and down Bucky’s side. He gently adjusted the shirt he was wearing. He brushed off a spot of dirt.

He had another strange double moment. He knew that he would, before, find the idea of Bucky not understanding how to value himself intrinsically intolerable. He would attack the problem head on and tell him, you have worth. You’re important.

The wolf in him was largely unconcerned, though. And thinking about the wolf’s reaction gave him an idea.

“It feels weird to focus on yourself?” he asked. He touched Bucky’s cheek, so lightly. “Okay. Do it as a way of serving me. You’re the thing I value most. Take good care of him, for my sake.”

[endsinafight]

Bucky sighed softly when Steve rubbed his hands up and down his hips, wanting to tug him closer and let his head drop onto his shoulder. He watched Steve as he considered Bucky's admission, like he was trying to figure out how to solve the issue. And knowing Steve, he probably was. He wasn't really sure there was a way to solve this one, though.

But the words gave him pause, both because of the phrasing of seeing it as a way to serve Steve. Maybe it was sick, but something warm stirred in his gut, thinking immediately of other ways to serve him. It was tempered with something softer though, when Steve told him that he was the thing he valued the most.

"Can I kiss you?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve smiled a little playfully and stroked Bucky’s hair.

“Mmm, yes. But first you have to earn the privilege by telling me what you think of my idea,” he said. He winked, making it a clear joke. He was serious though. They needed to find a way for Bucky to value himself.

[endsinafight]

Bucky drew in a breath, closing his eyes for a few second and scraping his teeth over his lower lip. "I'll do my best, Steve," he says softly. "I promise."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve leaned in and slowly kissed Bucky, soft and sweet. He let Bucky take control of the kiss, if Bucky wanted that control—it felt easy and natural, a breathless give-and-take.

"Thank you," he said, softly, against Bucky’s lips. "I want you to be happy. I want good things for you. That’s what I want."

[endsinafight]

That admission made his chest feel warm and tight, temporarily drowning out the guilt that tended to scream at him night and day. And maybe it shouldn't, because Steve was a tad biased when it came to Bucky and he knew that, but Steve was also a good person. Someone who believed in fairness and justice, and maybe. Just maybe if Steve believed he deserved good things, maybe he did.

Maybe.

"I want that for you, too. I always have."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Bucky’s emotion emanated out of him in a soft wave of pheromones. For the first time, other than the heat of there sex, Steve didn’t smell that bitter scent that made his nose want to wrinkle off and gave him the urge to sneeze. He wondered exactly what that unpleasant undertone meant—and he made it a personal goal to chase it away as much as he could.

"You’ve been the best thing in my life for a long time," he said. "I’m so happy I have you back."

This little conversation actually made Steve feel better about his change and his new monstrous nature. If he had to trade being human for getting Bucky back, he’d make the trade anyway. Maybe the universe just needed blood.