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[endsinafight]

Bucky'd been fidgety throughout the debriefing with Fury, even if he hadn't moved a muscle as he listened to the mission -- another HYDRA target, smaller, on a remote island in the Pacific. Not the usual setup, which made him uneasy from the get-go. But there was something else, something nagging at him, something in Fury's tone that told him there was more to this mission than he was willing to divulge. It wasn't a surprise. Fury might not be HYDRA, but in some ways his methods were so similar that it felt like being back there anyway. He definitely believed in the need to know principle, and obviously he didn't feel like they needed to know whatever it was he was holding back. His gaze darted to Steve, wondering if he'd picked up on it, too.

But if Steve had, his expression didn't betray his thoughts.

He pressed his lips together as they were dismissed, Fury addressing him as the others agents involved in the mission filtered out of the room. "Barnes. Hang back a minute."

And there it was, he thought, meeting Steve's eyes only briefly before lingering as Fury requested. One the door was shut again, the other man turned to study him.

"You have a different mission while they're disabling all of HYDRA's operating systems and containing the operatives."

Bucky studied him just as intently, his voice flat when he responded. "Who'm I eliminating?"

If Fury was surprised by his response, he gave nothing away. "Your target is Katya Belyakov."

"Who is she?" His voice was wary.

"You sure you wanna know the details, Barnes?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"If you're asking me to murder someone, yes," Bucky said, jaw tightening.

Fury regarded him for a long moment. "Essentially, she's the of the most dangerous people in the galaxy. Mind control abilities that she's utilized to force others to commit her dirty work. She's likely being accompanied by a former SHIELD operative who turned out to be moonlighting for HYDRA, Grant Ward. I'd prefer him to remain alive. He's got a lot to answer for."

Every muscle in Bucky's body tensed at the information about Belyakov, but also the name Grant Ward, his stomach turning in recognition.

"Ah. See you're familiar with him then."

"Unfortunately," Bucky responded stiffly, struggling to maintain his composure. "I'm assuming this isn't an optional mission." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"You knew when you signed the dotted line that there's no such thing here, Barnes. Is there a problem? Or do I need to go over the fine print of your contract to refresh your memory?"

Fuck you, he thought. "No, Sir. Am I free to go?"

"You're dismissed."

--

An hour later, he was suited up in his tac gear, breathing steady and even despite the wild pounding of his heart as he boarded the quinjet with a team he didn't know or trust, and the only person on the earth he truly did.

Comments

[endsinafight]

It was a lot to hear all at once, spoken so matter-of-factly, so soon after waking up as frightened and horrified as he had been. It didn't resonate as being true even if it was, but he drew in a breath and let it out, a soft noise escaping him as Steve nipped his lower lip, though not hard enough to draw more blood from the tiny wound there.

"What about the life you deserve?" His voice was quiet.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

"I hope I deserve one with you in it," Steve said, heartbreakingly honest, moving his lips to brush a kiss on the corner of Bucky's lips and then his cheek. "That's what I want. I'll work hard to be worthy of it."

[endsinafight]

Bucky drew in a breath, letting his eyes drift shut as Steve kissed him so softly, like he was something precious, like there wasn't a monster beneath the surface of his skin. "You deserve so much better than me. You're worth so much more, Steve," he told him just as honestly, voice strained. "But I'm too selfish to let you go." He wouldn't know where to even begin trying if he wanted to, and he didn't.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve couldn't let that stand. He kissed Bucky, with some fierceness, swiping his tongue over Bucky's bottom lip, before pulling away. He held Bucky's head gently in his hand, cradling his cheek, and looked him right in the eye.

"You're the best man I know. You've been through hell and you haven't given up, you don't wallow. You do good, every day. You work to make the world better. You put yourself on the line even though it causes you enormous suffering. And when we were kids, you made me feel like a man when the whole world was eager to put me down. You took care of me. You kept me alive. I'm lucky you want me. I'll find a way to show you."

His voice was intense, still in a whisper, but with all his furious conviction behind it.

[endsinafight]

He found himself holding his breath, the way he usually did when Steve went on one of his impassioned speeches. He just wasn't used to having said speeches aimed at him. If he hadn't been an artist at heart, he thought Steve could probably be a great writer. He wanted to look away, but the way that Steve's hands had his head cradled meant that he couldn't, and it was so easy to see how deeply the other meant what he was saying.

Bucky felt his eyes growing warm but he didn't try and pull away. In every way that he was broken, Steve was strong and absently he wondered how the hell he'd ended up as lucky as he was to have Steve at all still, let alone have him like this. Wordlessly he shifted forward, wrapping his arms around Steve's torso and laying his forehead against his shoulder.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve moved the hand which was cupping Bucky's face to the back of his head, holding his skull and digging in his fingers to scratch his scalp. He wished he could use his other hand to wrap around Bucky's body, hold him close and safe, but he couldn't.

"You make me happy," he whispered, a little choked up himself. "Thanks for letting me love you."

[endsinafight]

"Thanks for thinking I'm worth it," he answered in a whisper, soaking up the warmth from Steve's skin as it started to dawn on him just how cold he felt. He shivered with the pleasure of the other's fingers in his hair, gentle and affectionate. "I know I don't always make it easy. My head's -- it's still a mess. But I'm trying. I promise." There was an unspoken plea beneath those words, a silent please don't give up on me.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

"Loving you is as easy as can be," Steve said. "It's like falling down 'cause of gravity or taking a breath. I can't help but do it. And I'll never stop."

Steve held him close and added, "I know. I see you trying every day. You try so hard."

[endsinafight]

"Makes two of us," Bucky said quietly. He slowly lifted his head up to look at him, exhaling. Sometimes it felt like Steve was the only reason he was still holding it together, and he knew that wasn't necessarily a healthy thing for either of them. But he was going to get better, somehow. For Steve and himself.

"How's your hand?" He tried to push away the guilt at the fact that Steve was the one who'd been shot, been seriously injured, and Bucky was the one having a breakdown again.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“It’s fine,” Steve said, dismissively. “It’s definitely healing.”

The renewed throbbing pain that had kicked up when Bucky banged it on his way out of bed was fading, by now.

He smiled at Bucky. “Want to go back to sleep or face the day?”

[endsinafight]

Bucky studied him for a moment, trying to decide whether or not Steve was being honest with him about his pain level. "I don't wanna go back to sleep," he admitted, pressing his lips together. He reached out and stroked Monet's head. "Think we're asking for trouble if we take her on a W-A-L-K?"

Despite him spelling the word, Monet's ears perked up immediately and she began wagging her tail.