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[endsinafight]

It was the sound of a quiet pinging noise that woke him from a restless sleep. He opened his eyes, blinking a few times against the faint light filtering into the bedroom from the closed blinds. Steve was curled up beside him, head resting on Bucky's shoulder. He exhaled, letting his eyes drift shut again until the pinging noise sounded once more, and he groaned.

"Someone's trying to get a hold of you, Steve," he grumbled, burying his face in the pillow.

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[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve walked them to the bedroom, not letting go of Bucky. It was clumsy and slow, and before long Steve was snickering, but that sort of silliness wasn’t in ether of their nightmares.

Not releasing him for a moment, Steve rumbled them both into bed.

[endsinafight]

He couldn't help but chuckle as Steve maneuvered them into his bedroom and then into bed. "Next time you're carrying me," he teased, stretching out atop the blankets.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve maneuvered them both around, hauling up a blanket to cover Bucky and the snuggling up close.

“I considered carrying you just now,” he said. “But I worried you’d call me a hypocrite. I used to get so mad at you when you carried me.”

[endsinafight]

He didn't protest as Steve rearranged them, letting himself relax back against his broad chest, and enjoying the feel of Steve's arm draped over his torso. It was almost strange to think how not all that long ago having him this close was something he couldn't stomach. It just took his body awhile to recognize that Steve wasn't there to hurt him, and that in fact, having him this close was more of a comfort than anything else. He felt protected. Safe.

"Oh, I remember," he admitted with a quiet chuckle. "Few times there wasn't much choice, though. You were too sick to walk." He wrapped his own arm over Steve's, threading their fingers together.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve nosed at Bucky’s hairline, pressing kisses against the back of his neck. He wasn’t trying to start anything. It was sleepy, good-natured affection.

“I think the fact that there wasn’t much choice made it worse,” Steve admitted. “I was so awful to you when I was weak. I’m sorry I thought that made me strong.”

[endsinafight]

He made a quiet noise at the light kisses, soaking up the affection and attention. Most of the time lately he couldn't seem to get enough of it.

"Never really took it personal, Stevie," he murmured, rubbing his thumb over the back of Steve's knuckles. "Not from you. All water under the bridge anyway."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve squeezed their hand that Bucky claimed and flattened the other one right against his belly, holding him close. He nuzzled Bucky, an acknowledgment of what he said.

“You’ve always been too good to me, Buck. Let me get away with anything.”

[endsinafight]

"I don't know. I seem to remember giving you a fair amount of shit over the years about everything." He was still smiling, warm memories of their childhood dancing across the plains in his mind.

Bucky let his eyes close momentarily, the heat from Steve's hand against his belly soaking into his skin but not quite enough. He hesitated for a second, then reached down, sliding his shirt up a little and guiding Steve's hand beneath it, skin on skin contact that almost made him shudder.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“‘Course you gave me shit,” he murmured. “I deserve so much of it. But you were always there. You’d roll your eyes and complain, but you always stood by me and cared for me. Not many people woulda done that.”

He was still kissing Bucky’s neck and when Bucky moved his hand so that it was under the shirt, he couldn’t help the small noise he made, somewhere near a groan. Steve opened his mouth on Bucky’s skin, sucking ever so slightly, and let his palm rub Bucky’s bare belly. It was soft and warm and ever so slightly furred, almost imperceptible. It was the most amazing thing to feel it under his hand.

[endsinafight]

Bucky nodded a little against the pillow, considering that. "Guess I loved you, punk." His voice was hushed, honest. Truth was, nothing short of force would have pried him away from Steve back then. It was, after all, what had. The military was real good about that very thing.

He had to draw in a slow, deep breath, keeping his hand over Steve's on his stomach. It was the first time anyone had touched his bare skin like this in a long, long time. It was the first time Steve ever had, and it was a lot. He wasn't trying to start anything, really, he just craved the contact. The quiet intimacy of being touched.

"Is this okay?"

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

“It’s wonderful,” Steve said, immediately, against Bucky’s skin. “I love touching you. I’ll touch you however you want, whenever you want. You just have to tell me or put my hands where you want them.”

He kissed Bucky’s neck again, but didn’t do anything with his hand but hold it there, firm against Bucky’s skin.

[endsinafight]

"I want you to be able to. It just not always uncomplicated," he murmured, knowing Steve already knew and understood that, but feeling like he should reiterate it anyway. He didn't know how to explain it, really. His therapist would say it was PTSD but somehow it didn't feel like like it was enough to explain how he could be in one place physically with Steve and in his head he was in a different place and time. How sometimes all it took was a quiet sound that only he could hear or a glimpse of boots at just the wrong angle and he was reliving his own personal hell.

But right now, this was okay, and it felt good, and safe. Reassuring.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve moved his thumb very gently back and forth on Bucky’s skin—the main part of his hand was still, but the thumb rocked, trying to soothe.

"I’m so sorry it feels complicated for you," Steve said. "I know you work so hard, and I spare you it, if I could. But for me, it really is very simple. I want to touch you when you want me to—I don’t, when you don’t. That’s all I want."

[endsinafight]

Bucky relaxed at that reassurance, at the tenderness in his touch, exhaling slowly. "You're the best person I've ever known. You know that, right?" he whispered. More than anything else, he needed Steve to know that. "The things I did." The things that had been done to him. "Dunno how I got this lucky, endin' up here, with you." His words were starting to slur with his body's need for rest.

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve kissed the back of his neck, as gentle and sweet as he could. "You deserve good treatment," Steve said. "All I want is to give it to you. Okay, sweetheart? That’s what I’m gonna do. For the rest of our lives, I’m gonna treat you well."

He said it low and soft, but it was a promise. He wanted to argue with Bucky—about who the best person was, about whether or not it was right to say Bucky did any of those things—but he could hear the exhaustion in Bucky’s voice. This wasn’t the time. He should rest and if Steve can help him do that, with love and soft touches, he would.

[endsinafight]

Bucky knew he was on the verge of sleep, could feel himself tip-toeing along the high wire between reality and dreams, mind still packed full of decades of documented horrors. He sighed softly, murmuring. "She didn't know. She never knew. I believe that, Stevie."

[littleguyfrombrooklyn]

Steve couldn’t make heads or tails of that. Who was she and what didn’t she know? He was tempted to ask, but he could feel the way Bucky’s body was relaxing in his arms, the way he was on the edge of sleep.

He just hummed back, to indicate that Bucky wasn’t being ignored, and stroked his stomach soothingly.