For notmyfuture

[endsinafight]

Staying away grows more and more difficult the more he begins remembering. It feels like it takes an eternity even though in reality he's only been free from HYDRA for a little over a year (372 days, to be precise). Some days he can't discern whether the things he remembers are real, or if they're just because his brain is Swiss-fucking-cheese and he's trying desperately to fill in the holes with things that make sense.

Nights are by far the worst. He wakes up drenched in a cold sweat and shaking uncontrollably the times he manages any sleep at all. Sometimes the dreams are about things he's done; other times they're about the things that were done to him. More than once he's tempted to send Steve a text, or to call him, just to hear his voice. He doesn't want any of that to touch Steve, is the thing. He knows Steve knows some of what he's done; a lot of the Winter Soldier files had been dumped on the internet by Natalia when she helped Steve and the birdman take down SHIELD. He's looked at some of them himself, needing to know what's circulating, what people know about him. There is no hint of who the Winter Soldier is in any of them.

And yet he knows there are people who know; HYDRA allies still on the loose, scattered across the globe even as Steve's team takes them down one at a time. From time to time, Bucky is tempted to do the same. But the idea of picking up a weapon again so soon makes him feel sick to his stomach. And there's the other piece of things; if he gets too close to the wrong person still working for HYDRA, the chances are far too high that he'll end up back with them himself. Because the trigger words are still implanted in his brain, and short of a bullet he doesn't think there's a way to truly be free of them.

So he waits. He scratches out the few things that come to him -- whether they're real or not, posting the scraps of thoughts and images in a handwritten journal that he keeps near him around the clock.

And he's far from having all of his memories back. He's not sure he'll ever have them all back. And maybe it's easier, not to know what all he'd lost. Then again, he has a good imagination, so maybe it's imagining that's worse. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. He can't undo what was done. He's just not sure how to go about moving forward, either.

By day 427, the urge to see Steve in person is too strong to resist. He keeps his head down, blending in with the crowded New York sidewalks as he makes his way to Manhattan. Steve doesn't live at Avenger's tower, and it's a risk, getting that close; regardless of Steve's views on his history, he sincerely doubts that his team feels any real level of benevolence toward him. Hell, he doesn't even feel it toward himself. And maybe he's a coward for not being ready and willing to turn himself into the authorities and face what he's done just yet. But his need to see Steve outweighs his current need for self-preservation and sometimes he thinks those two things are one in the same anyway.

He lingers at a Starbucks across the street, ordering a sugary beverage whose name he doesn't know, already knowing he wants to figure it out because he's going to get another one, and then drinking it outside at one of the tables, keeping a watchful eye toward the front of Avenger's Tower. He gets through three drinks before he spots the person he's waiting on, leaving the building with his head down, and shoulders slightly hunched. He's on his feet and following in an instant, weaving through the crowd with practiced expertise until they're nearly three blocks away.

He wonders, idly, if Steve has any idea he's being followed.

Comments

[notmyfuture]

Things change after Insight, and again after Ultron. Steve spends a lot of time thinking about secrets and what they cost to keep from the people he risks his life alongside. Remembers what he’s said and assumed and ignored in the span of a year, all in the name of chasing the one piece of his past he can’t let go of.

Sam and Natasha are surprised when he stops following leads on Bucky. He tells them there’s been contact and that’s enough for now. He can tell they don’t quite believe him. They’re right about one of those things, but what choice does he have? Bucky’s reasons for staying away are his own, even after talking to Steve and knowing he wants to help.

In the meantime, Steve does what he has to. He talks to Tony about what Hydra did to the Starks, and it’s every bit the painful conversation he’d expected. Tony leaves the team, but also takes a copy of the Winter Soldier files that Steve implores him to read. When Bucky comes home (and it is when, he has to believe that, not if), Steve needs to be prepared to deal with any amount of backlash. All the time he used to spend searching for Bucky gets turned to making contingency plans, looping in Natasha when she catches on, and braving Peggy’s better days for her advice.

It takes nearly two months for the Avengers to start regrouping, a lot of it boiling down to Tony and Steve being able to talk to each other again. As a result, he spends a lot of time at the Tower going over the logistics of moving the entire operation outside of the city. It’s during one of these visits that Vision informs him of a person matching Sam’s description of Sergeant Barnes, at the Starbucks across the street. Vision isn't JARVIS, not quite, but his propensity for watching people means he can locate someone just as quickly.

A brief conversation about looking through security cameras and an overly casual dismissal from Tony later, Steve heads out, his mind is buzzing with possibilities. There hasn’t been more than a handful of texts, and nothing to indicate trouble, if Bucky would even tell him if there is. It doesn’t stop him from feeling like something is wrong.

The beauty of New York is that they don’t care who’s who on the street. If he isn’t in uniform, he’s just another guy in a hat and sunglasses, in a hurry to go wherever. He clocks Bucky exactly where Vision said he would be but doesn’t wait around looking obvious.

Steve has had plenty of practice identifying a tail, thanks to SHIELD constantly keeping an eye on him after the first few months out of the ice, and had eventually worked out how to lose them. That’s not what he’s trying to do here, though, and Bucky is undoubtedly much better trained. The Winter Soldier’s reputation was terrifyingly well earned.

He ducks into an alley and waits, pulling out his phone out to check the messages in case he missed one. "What's goin' on?" he says quietly, seemingly to himself.

[endsinafight]

He isn't sure if Steve knows he's being followed until the moment that he steps into an alley, casual as you please. And either Steve has gotten really good at discovering when he has a tail, or Bucky's skills have gotten very lax. Then again, maybe it's a combination. It's not like he's following Steve with intent to harm -- or worse. He's following because he wants to see and engage him.

So he drops his shoulders and steps into the alley after him, keeping his head down and not stopping, though he slows his pace as he walks toward the other end of the alley, hands in his pockets. He wants to stop, wants to really look at Steve now that he's in person with him and not staring at a photograph or watching videos on the Internet. Because it's not even close to the same. But he also doesn't want to get caught, doesn't want to stir up anymore trouble than he already has in the last seventy years, so he keeps going.

"Was in town. Thought I'd say hi," he says just as quietly. It's...not exactly the whole truth. He isn't just in town because of some coincidence. He'd come for Steve, and only for Steve. And he has a suspicion that Steve is likely to see right through him on that one. But he's not sure how to say the things that he wants to say or ask the questions that he wants to ask just yet. He's hoping that those things will come to him with time, even if he doesn't have much of that.

[notmyfuture]

Steve waits, because it's been over a year so what is a few minutes longer? He tries to stay relaxed, not draw attention to himself, but it's hard to stop staring when Bucky appears. It could be anyone in those layers of clothes; long hair and a scruffy beard aren’t unusual these days either. That face, though. Steve has dreamed of it so often that it almost doesn’t feel real to see it again. Especially when the last time had been looking up through a haze of pain, fully expecting to die.

The voice is quiet and a little rough, could have been easily lost under the noise of the city if most of Steve’s attention wasn’t focused on Bucky. There had been messages, sporadic as they were. They don’t hold a candle to hearing the words, which bring a shaky sort of smile to his face.

“Hi,” he replies, soft but hardly steady. “Good to see you.”

The part of his mind that never quite turns off, the one he usually let take over in a fight, is busy cataloging everything. Bucky’s movement, for any signs of injury. The rest of the alley, for vantage points and cameras and anyone else who followed them. Of all the possible ways for them to meet again, he hadn’t expected Bucky to just…show up. Not unless something changed.

[endsinafight]

Bucky isn't relaxed. He doesn't feel relaxed in the least -- but he gives off the appearance that he is, because he's really good at blending in, skills that he'd learned in the army initially and honed oh-so-well by his time with HYDRA. His voice is rough because he doesn't really talk to anyone if he can avoid it. He takes a deep breath, though, at the sight of Steve's smile, and at his quiet words. He hears the underlying shakiness there and -- yeah. He's right there with him on that one.

"You look good," he responds, not really thinking about any possible implications beyond the truth: Steve looks good. Healthy. Not like the last time they'd been in person together when Bucky had nearly murdered him. He ducks his head again, chest feeling the familiar tightness of guilt and shame even as he feels Steve watching him. And he's pretty sure he knows what Steve's doing. He isn't injured, hasn't been in any kind of confrontations or fights since that day on the helicarrier. The only pain he has is that which is just part of daily living these days: the left shoulder, the neck and the spine, all from the weight of the metal arm.

They walk side by side til they reach the end of the alley and then Bucky steps out onto the sidewalk, figuring Steve will keep step with him. His mouth is dry because he doesn't really know what to say. Maybe he used to be good at conversing with people. With Steve. He's not that person anymore, and he doesn't know how to be. His eyes scan the crowd constantly for any indication of a threat or familiar figures that he needs to avoid but no one registers with his threat assessment.

"Did I come at a bad time?" He finds himself asking, voice low enough that only someone with better than average hearing could possible pick up.

I'm so sorry this took forever D:

[notmyfuture]

The alley is secure, and Bucky doesn't seem hurt, which is a relief. In fact, he appears to have the same ability that Natasha does, to look relaxed no matter the circumstances. It’s impressive, but it also makes Steve a little sad. Once upon a time he would have known how Bucky was doing with just a glance.

The reply makes him blink. He supposes it would be hard to look any worse than when they last saw each other. Bucky doesn’t quite look at him and well, that Steve understands. His own guilt is a constant thing, though it’s nothing compared to what Bucky must be going through. He wishes desperately that there was something he could do to help.

It’s easy for Steve to fall in step with him, taking his usual spot on Bucky’s left. They move smoothly through the rush hour crowd, falling back into a familiar pattern as Steve takes point, angling them in the direction of the place he's been staying. It's one of Natasha's personal safehouses, never revealed to SHIELD so unlikely to be on Hydra's radar. She was gone on one of her trips, picking up pieces of her life in the aftermath of blowing all her covers, and Sam has gone back to DC to pack up his things, so there’s nobody home. Which is good. He doesn’t want to put that pressure on Bucky.

“It’s actually pretty good timing,” Steve replies, leading him into a worn down looking apartment building. “We, uh, the team is about to move soon. Out of the city. I’m only here for a few more days.”